What Do the Simple Folk Do?
January 4, 2020
VOICEOVER:
In order to best understand the Trump phenomenon in 2016, we need to go back to the beginning. Let’s go back in time, to Spring 2015, before the official start of the Trump candidacy…
SCENE: Flashback to spring 2015, right before Trump entered the race. Trump is sitting at his desk at an office suite in Mar a Lago, flanked by assistants (apprentices) Chad (white male), and Female Assistant (white female—why would she be referred to by her name?).
TRUMP:
I am so sick and tired of having to pay off these phony, lame-o politicians to get the tax cuts I deserve. It’s just not fair. Not fair at all! (He pounds his fists on the desk.)
(Suddenly, there is a puff of smoke, and as the smoke dissipates, we can see SATAN!)
TRUMP:
Satan! My good man! So good to see you again! That was some excellent advice you gave me about starting Trump University! Brilliant!
SATAN:
Yes, well, I have even greater plans for you, Donald. Someone with your unbridled arrogance and lust for even more wealth will be an excellent protégé for me. You just have to think bigger! Don’t pay off any more politicians. You can take over the U.S. on your own! It would be my dream come true to see you become President!
TRUMP:
President Trump! Terrific! I like the sound of that! So, when do I start?
SATAN:
Well, we have to go through a little thing called the election process first.
TRUMP:
Election process? Pfft! Isn’t that just where the person with the most money wins?
SATAN:
True. BUT we still have to go through the process. Plus, victory will be so much sweeter if the population of the U.S. actively brings about its own demise. Mwaaah, ha, ha, ha, ha!!!! Lucky for you, your chances are good—there’s an angry segment of the struggling working class who wants someone different, someone who is rude, abrasive, and “tells it like it is.”
TRUMP:
I can do that! I can tell it like it is more than it ever was or ever will be! But what else do you want me to do? I want all the Wal-Mart shoppers to recognize me as their hero, but how can they relate to someone like me, who is only used to the most expensive things?
SATAN:
Yes, that’s why I’m here, my good friend. I’ll teach you what they like, how they get through their miserable lives, how to make them identify with you—enough so that you can win the election!
TRUMP:
You can? That would be terrific. So tell me, my dear friend…
(Singing to the tune of “What do the Simple Folk Do?” from the musical “Camelot.”)
TRUMP (singing):
What do the simple folk do
To help them forget the rent’s due?
The bastard who is failing,
The bar brawler and his chum,
The bloke whose fist is ailing from assailing a bum?
When they’re annoyed and aggrieved,
The folk not noblessely obliged,
However do they manage, to not put bullets through their brains,
Oh what do simple folk do? Please explain.
SATAN (singing):
I have been informed, by those who know them well
They fight like it’s reality TV.
When they’re sorely stressed
They hurl insults, and they yell
And yelling seems to fill their hearts with glee.
And that’s what simple folk do,
As told to me.
TRUMP:
They hurl insults?
SATAN:
As told to me.
TRUMP:
That’s terrific! I can hurl insults like nobody’s business. I’m the best at it. The best!
SATAN:
Yes, I believe you’ve already demonstrated the propensity for insults that the hoi-polloi will see as presidential. You’re a natural!
TRUMP:
That’s great! I want the masses to love me and chant my name! What else? There must be more I can do so that they feel like I’m one of them.
TRUMP (singing):
What else do the simple folk do
To pump up their pride and get through?
The young chumps and the old chumps
Whose debt must surely grow
Have ways out of the sad dumps
We rich Trumps don’t know.
When their reality sinks in
What gives each of them a big grin?
What ancient backwoods custom
Provides the needed glow
Oh what do simple folk do, do you know?
SATAN (singing):
Once upon the road, I came upon a lad
Cursing in a voice three times his size
The N-word and much more, he was really mad
But ethnic slurring made him feel that he’s a prize
And that’s what simple folk do.
I surmise.
TRUMP:
They’re bigots?
SATAN:
I surmise.
FEMALE ASSISTANT:
Oh come on! No! We’re so far past this as a country! We’re not bigots!
SATAN:
With Donald in command, his people will be able to be as racist as they want instead of keeping it bottled up inside them! He will successfully re-brand racism as being refreshingly non-politically correct!
TRUMP:
I get it now. I’m really not so different from the insulting racists I’ve always looked down on for being poor after all. I know what the people want. They want Trump, Trump and more Trump!
SATAN:
You do seem to have a very astute instinct for what the people want and just how awful they’re willing to be to make themselves feel better. So, tell me, what’s your next idea to clinch the nomination? How else are you going to identify with the racists and the internet trolls?
SATAN (singing):
What else do the simple folk do?
They must have a system or two.
They could obviously outflank us both in numbers and in girth,
Yet they want to thank us, highly rank us for our worth.
Why then I wonder do they
Want to keep all the liberals at bay?
What ancient lowbrow custom, not yet mentioned in this song
Oh what, do simple folk do, that’s just wrong?
TRUMP (singing):
Often I am told, they pick a weaker foe
And kick some kids whose parents sadly died
Soon their minds are blank, and oh they’re in a trance,
A violent trance that makes them feel alive
And that’s what simple folk do, to boost their pride.
FEMALE ASSISTANT:
Wait. What????
SATAN:
They kick orphans?
TRUMP:
From time to time.
FEMALE ASSISTANT:
No, come on! That’s not a thing! That’s SO not a thing!
TRUMP:
Trust me, this is going to be the best thing ever! Chad, alert the media! Every orphan and foster child who receives a dime of taxpayer money will have to go to a local arena to literally get their asses kicked by taxpayers! This is brilliant!
CHAD:
Yes sir, Mr. Trump.
TRUMP:
Spectacular! I’m totally going to win this election! You know what? With all the extra money I’m going to have from taking healthcare away from losers, I’ll have the toilets in the White House plated with gold. I’m not going to piss on porcelain like some hillbilly when I’m the leader of the world. Only gold for me! I’m a class act like that.
SATAN:
That sounds wonderful, Donald. I eagerly anticipate your presidential reign. You’re a very astute protégé!
TRUMP:
So, my dear Satan, is there any other advice you can give me before the election?
SATAN:
No, Donald. You seem to have a good understanding of the visceral hatred of the population. You’ve taught me that evil doesn’t need to be subtle. The ugliness of reality TV and internet trolling has apparently made the world eager to be bulldozed by the forces of hell!
TRUMP:
Still, a little more advice from my old friend wouldn’t hurt, just for fun.
TRUMP (singing):
What else do the simple folk do?
To help them escape when they’re blue?
SATAN (singing):
They sit around and wonder, what filthy rich folk do
And that’s what simple folk do.
TRUMP:
Really, I can keep bragging about how rich and successful I am, and they’ll eat it up?
SATAN:
I have it on the best authority.
TRUMP AND SATAN (singing):
And that’s what simple folk do!!!!!!
