Q's Clues: a Screenplay - PART 3
November 14, 2020
This is the tale of Karen and Kevin Kilkenny—middle-aged suburban QAnon followers who are on a quest to solve Q’s clues in order to help the handsome, dashing version of Donald Trump who exists only in their minds, and defeat the evil witch Hillary Clinton and her pizza-eating pedophile cabal.
The quest takes the Kilkennys to the nation’s capital.
PART 3
EXT. PARK IN ARLINGTON, VA - DAY
Kaylee and Eli are walking Nelson in a park.
KAYLEE
So, assuming they’ll be here in the D.C. area this week for the RNC, how do you think we can narrow down where to find them?
ELI
Maybe that’s not the right approach. Maybe we need to be a little more proactive.
KAYLEE
What do you mean?
ELI
We’re in their QAnon group now—maybe we can bring them to us.
KAYLEE
Interesting. Have something in mind?
ELI
I do…I think it’s time for Tommy Duffy to put out a call to all his fellow “patriots” in the DC area.
KAYLEE
Like what? To battle Antifa?
ELI
Almost…hold on.
Eli sits down on a park bench, and Kaylee sits next to him while Nelson sits on the ground in front of them. Eli pulls out his phone and starts typing. The camera then cuts to “Tommy Duffy’s” Facebook post, next to his smiling fisherman profile pic. Eli reads the post.
ELI
“My fellow patriots! It has come to my attention that radical left Antifa groups are once again trying to erase our proud history. These looters are planning to TEAR DOWN the statue of our brave Confederate General Beauregard Shelby…”
KAYLEE
Beauregard Shelby? Didn’t want to go for anything more realistic…maybe an actual Civil War Confederate General?
ELI
Prove to me that Beauregard Shelby isn’t real!
KAYLEE
Well, I’m sure if I did a few seconds of research…
ELI
They’re not going to research. Besides, one of the cardinal rules of MAGAt’s Beard is that if you can’t prove that something ISN’T true, then it is 100%, unquestionably true!
KAYLEE
You’re becoming quite a scholar in this field.
ELI
(laughing)
I suppose. But let Tommy Duffy continue.
KAYLEE
Please.
ELI
“Antifa is planning this vandalism for 3:00 on Wednesday. If you’re in the DC area, please join me and our fellow patriots at Shirlington Park to defeat these animals and preserve our heritage!”
(stops reading and turns to Kaylee)
I’m going to set up an event page too.
KAYLEE
Okay, then.
ELI
What do you think?
KAYLEE
This could just be dumb enough to work.
EXT. HOSPITAL PARKING LOT – DAY
CHYRON: Saturday, August 22, 2020
Lester’s RV screeches into a hospital parking lot. Karen gets out and runs up to the Emergency Room entrance (mask-less). EMERGENCY ROOM NURSES in full PPE step out to meet her.
KAREN
My husband Kevin!
(coughs)
He’s in the RV—he’s not doing so good right now. He’s having a hard time breathing! You’ve gotta help him!
NURSE
Ma’am, have either of you been exposed to Covid-19?
KAREN
(coughing)
That hoax??? Don’t be ridiculous!
Medical personnel in full PPE take Kevin out of the RV on a stretcher and bring him into the hospital as he coughs and breathes heavily.
KAREN
But if it IS the Kung Flu, make sure to give him hydroxychloroquine! Did you hear me??? Hydroxychloroquine!!!!
INT. OVAL OFFICE - DAY
Handsome Trump is pacing around the Oval office, obviously disturbed. Bob Mueller sneaks out to make a call to Stephen Miller.
INTERCUT TO:
INT. STEPHEN MILLER’S OFFICE – DAY
Stephen Miller’s office is decorated with paintings of idealized Aryan children circa the 1930s, and has a bookcase filled with several books on torture and a prominent copy of Mein Kampf. Stephen Miller picks up his phone.
INTERCUT TO:
INT. OVAL OFFICE - DAY
BOB MUELLER
I think the President is in trouble, Stephen. He needs our help.
INTERCUT TO:
INT. STEPHEN MILLER’S OFFICE – DAY
STEPHEN MILLER
I’m on it, Bob! Anything for President Trump!!
SPLIT SCREEN – INT. STEPHEN MILLER’S OFFICE/INT. SHERRIFF ARPAIO’S OFFICE - DAY
Stephen Miller calls a contact on his phone. SHERRIFF ARPAIO, wearing a cowboy hat, buttoned down shirt and light-colored suit jacket, picks up his phone in his office.
STEPHEN MILLER
Sherriff Arpaio. Stephen Miller here. President Trump needs your help.
SHERRIFF ARPAIO
President Trump needs help? No need to ask me twice! After all, when everyone else was saying I was some kind of “bad person” for using my police force to persecute Latin Americans—President Trump was the ONLY one who believed in me! He gave me his first presidential pardon! I’m honored to return the favor any way I can!
STEPHEN MILLER
Excellent!
SPLIT SCREEN – INT. STEPHEN MILLER’S OFFICE/EXT. GUN RANGE - DAY
Stephen Miller calls a contact on his phone. EDDIE GALLAGHER puts down his gun and picks up his phone.
STEPHEN MILLER
It’s Stephen Miller. I’m calling with an urgent favor to ask you, Eddie Gallagher. Your president is under attack and needs your help.
EDDIE GALLAGHER
Helping President Trump is the least I can do for that great man! When my fellow Navy Seals and the mainstream media tried to call me a “bad guy” just for mutilating a handcuffed, sedated prisoner and posing with his corpse, President Trump recognized my actions as American bravery! He not only gave me a pardon, but he made me a hero. I promise I won’t let him down, Stephen!
STEPHEN MILLER
Brilliant!
SPLIT SCREEN – INT. STEPHEN MILLER’S OFFICE/EXT. SHOPPING MALL - DAY
Stephen Miller calls a contact on his phone. ROY MOORE, wearing his cowboy hat, seated in his car outside a shopping mall with a video arcade, picks up his phone.
STEPHEN MILLER
Roy Moore? Stephen Miller here. I’m calling on behalf of President Trump, who needs your help in Washington D.C. Will you answer the call?
ROY MOORE
Hoo-wee! Damn straight I’ll answer that call! I’ll saddle on up and get right up to DC to help President Trump. He’s a stand-up guy who stood up for me when liberals were trying to say that I shouldn’t be a senator just because I hung out at malls trying to date teenagers when I was in my 30s. President Trump recognized me as a fellow red-blooded American. His support meant a lot to me, I’ll tell you that!
STEPHEN MILLER
Terrific, Roy!
SPLIT SCREEN – INT. STEPHEN MILLER’S OFFICE/EXT. FLORIDA MANSION - DAY
Stephen Miller calls a contact on his phone. ROGER STONE, fully dressed in a dark suit, fedora and round dark sunglasses, is seated in a poolside lounge under palm trees. He answers his phone and puts it on speaker.
STEPHEN MILLER
Roger Stone…it’s Stephen Miller here. I’m calling with an important request to help the President.
ROGER STONE
My turn for the payback now? I rub his back, he rubs mine…I rub his again…rub a dub dub!!! What do I have to do? Obstruct? Lie? I’m all-in for Trump!
Roger Stone stands up and gives the Nixon victory sign.
INT. TRUMP HOTEL D.C. - DAY
Karen and Michelle walk into a Ballroom at Trump’s D.C. hotel. They’re both dressed in Trump shirts, like a lot of the others in the crowd, which is mostly white. There is a big sign that says “Blacks for Trump.”
KAREN
This is going to be a very important event for you, Michelle! It’s a good place for us to go while your Granddad recovers in the hospital in Virginia. I’m glad I’m feeling well enough to take you! You’re lucky your Grandmom knows such important people!
Travis is talking to an assistant, NICOLE, an attractive white woman in her 20s.
TRAVIS
This is a pretty milky crowd. How many legit blacks do we have?
NICOLE
Including your friend Carlton from boarding school, I think it’s about 11 or 12.
TRAVIS
That’s dismal. We have the homeless all dressed up and on standby?
NICOLE
Yeah, they’re all finishing up in wardrobe.
TRAVIS
At least tell me we were able to recruit some who aren’t raving lunatics, right?
NICOLE
As far as I can tell.
(pauses)
But one thing.
TRAVIS
What?
NICOLE
They’re demanding to be paid up front.
TRAVIS
Really?
NICOLE
They don’t trust anyone associated with Trump to live up to their end of the deal.
TRAVIS
The homeless are unionizing now? Christ. Fine. Pay them.
(looks at his expensive watch)
We’ll give it a few more minutes to see who shows up and then we’ll decide if we want to risk putting them out on the floor.
NICOLE
Whatever you say, boss.
Nicole walks away. Travis’s mother Beverly walks up to Travis, accompanied by her friend Diane, both of whom are carrying nearly empty glasses of red wine and cackling loudly.
TRAVIS
For god’s sake, mother, it’s not even 3 p.m. How much have you sloshed down already? Hasn’t this family had enough embarrassment for one week?
BEVERLY
Shut your mouth, Travis. Whose son do you think you are? Shame is beneath people of our status. Never forget that! Being this wealthy means never having to feel shame!
DIANE
That’s right! And don’t you worry, Travis! That D.A. in Florida is going to PAY for that unbelievable HARASSMENT. How DARE he put your father and your family through that!
BEVERLY
He certainly should’ve known better. He’ll learn.
Karen spots Travis and walks over.
KAREN
Travis! Travis Howell! I brought Michelle for you!
TRAVIS
Oh…hello?
KAREN
From the limo? You gave us a ride from Bedminster.
TRAVIS
Oh, right, right. Glad you could make it. What’s your name again?
KAREN
Karen.
TRAVIS
Right. And your husband?
KAREN
Kevin. But he’s in the hospital now.
TRAVIS
Oh. Mother, Diane…this fine patriot is Karen. Karen, this is my mother, Beverly, and her friend Diane.
KAREN
Very nice to meet you two. And this is my granddaughter, Michelle. Her mother was married to a black guy, but they’re split up now.
TRAVIS
I met Karen at Bedminster.
BEVERLY
Really? She was INSIDE?
TRAVIS
No, of course not. Outside. Her husband had an encounter with some…
KAREN
Antifa!!! They were attacking us because we support President Trump!
BEVERLY
That’s a shame. Well, we’re glad you’re here…we need people like you to maintain our way of life.
KAREN
Exactly! I really appreciate all that Trump does to stick up for hardworking taxpayers!
BEVERLY
Yes, yes. Bless your heart.
(to Diane)
Time for a refill?
DIANE
Of course! Time to make things interesting!
TRAVIS
Not TOO interesting, okay?
Beverly and Diane walk away toward the bar.
TRAVIS
(looking at Michelle)
What happened to her hair?
KAREN
Oh, we got it straighten…
TRAVIS
No, no no…this is all wrong…she doesn’t look as black anymore.
KAREN
Well, uh…
TRAVIS
(yelling across the room)
Nicole!
Nicole walks back over.
TRAVIS (CONT’D)
Get this girl into wardrobe…do we have a wig small enough to fit her head?
NICOLE
We can check. There is that whole box of Confederacy cosplay costumes from your mom’s last event we haven’t dug into yet. And there are the 1970s Blaxploitation-film themed costumes.
TRAVIS
See what you can do.
(looks at Karen)
You actually got a pretty good tan since I last saw you.
KAREN
Yeah, well…we were on a boat in Florida, but then the waves…
TRAVIS
What do you think about Dolezal-ing out a little for me?
KAREN
Huh?
TRAVIS
Put a weave on? Maybe a little…foundation? Ethnic yourself up a bit?
KAREN
Me?
TRAVIS
Sure. It’ll be better optics if a black grandmother brings her black granddaughter here. What do you say? For President Trump?
KAREN
Sure! If you say it’ll help Trump, I’ll do it!
TRAVIS
Great, great.
(to Nicole)
Get these two into wardrobe.
INTERCUT TO:
INT. TRUMP HOTEL D.C., LOUNGE BAR - DAY
Beverly and Diane are sitting at the bar in the lounge.
BEVERLY
(to the bartender)
Another bordeaux, please.
(to Diane)
I hope Travis at least drums up some of the publicity he’s looking for. We could ALL use some good publicity at this point—Alex really saw to that.
DIANE
But at least President Trump won’t hold that ridiculous arrest against your husband. Who knows? Maybe Alex will even come out of this overblown scandal with a promotion!
INTERCUT TO:
INT. TRUMP HOTEL D.C., OUTSIDE OF WARDROBE ROOM – DAY
Karen is dressed in a Michelle Obama-type wig with some dark foundation on her face, and she has changed into a “Blacks for Trump” t-shirt. Michelle is also wearing Blacks for Trump T-shirt that is too big for her. She has been given a wig with cornrows that is a little too big for her head. She is laughing hysterically and whipping her braids around.
KAREN
Isn’t it fun to play dress-up, Michelle?
MICHELLE
You look so funny, Grandmom!
INTERCUT TO:
INT. TRUMP HOTEL D.C. - DAY
Travis is talking to Nicole, looking around the room of people, which is about 85% white. There is even one guy in his late 20s who looks like an overgrown frat boy wearing a Confederate Flag T-shirt.
TRAVIS
I knew it would be bad, but I didn’t think it would be THIS bad.
NICOLE
What should we do?
TRAVIS
(with a flourish of his hand)
Release the hobos!
NICOLE
(saluting)
Yes sir.
Karen and Michelle, in their black(er) wigs and “Blacks for Trump” t-shirts, wander back over to Travis. Nicole walks away. Travis gives Michelle a fist-bump.
TRAVIS
Lookin’ good, homegirls!
KAREN
I feel so sassy! This is turning into a wild afternoon! I’m glad we came!
TRAVIS
Glad you could make it.
The music starts getting a little louder. Michael Jackson is playing. Karen starts to awkwardly (white) dance.
TRAVIS
Stop. No dancing. Just…no.
KAREN
Really? But the music is just flowing through me now!
TRAVIS
Please. No dancing.
KAREN
Oh, okay. I’ll stifle my rhythm if you say so. But I could’ve really gotten this party started!
TRAVIS
A reporter just walked in. Gotta go….
Travis starts to walk away, but briefly turns back.
TRAVIS (CONT’D)
Just stay in the background, okay? Whatever you do, make sure you don’t talk to any reporters! They’re not all on our side.
Karen and Michelle stand there, as more black people start making their way through the crowd (the newly dressed-up HOMELESS—6 men and 6 women of various ages). The homeless are playing up their crazy stereotype, a few looking around in wonder at the nice, rich surroundings…one hunched over, muttering incoherently to himself. CISCO MEL is a tall, well-built dark-skinned man in his 40s dressed in a nice suit jacket over his Blacks for Trump shirt—he would look distinguished if he wasn’t occasionally muttering to himself and taking swigs from his flask. The DRAMATIC HOMELESS WOMAN, a thin woman in her late 30s, with a noticeable (but not hideous) scar on her face, is singing, practicing her do-re-me-la-ti-do scales. The HOMELESS RINGLEADER, a slightly heavyset graying woman in her 60s, is preaching to the crowd as she walks by.
HOMELESS RINGLEADER
Repent!!! Repent all ye who collude! Lest there shall be a great wall to keep you out of the Kingdom of God! Beware of the adulterers!
She walks by Karen and looks her in the eye.
HOMELESS RINGLEADER (CONT’D)
Beware the false prophet who profits! Corruption is the devil!
The Homeless Ringleader walks away.
KAREN
(to Michelle)
Oh, I see the real black people have arrived. See—you’re not alone!
INTERCUT TO:
INT. TRUMP HOTEL D.C., LOUNGE BAR - DAY
Beverly and Diane are still at the bar. The Dramatic Homeless Woman walks up to the bar, half singing, and half sadly speaking some of the lyrics of “I Dreamed a Dream” from Les Miserables, which then is interspersed with cheery chatter.
DRAMATIC HOMELESS WOMAN
…when hope was high, and life…worth living…
(to Beverly and Diane, suddenly cheery)
Well hello, ladies. Lovely afternoon here.
BEVERLY
Why, um…yes..
DRAMATIC HOMELESS WOMAN
(to bartender)
Hey there, sir. Could you hook me up with whatever these Grande Dames are having? I’m sure they’re drinking the good stuff!
BARTENDER
(smiling)
With pleasure, ma’am.
DRAMATIC HOMELESS WOMAN
…I dreamed that love would never die….I dreamed that…
(to the bartender, as he hands her a glass of wine)
Thank you very much, sir.
(to Beverly and Diane)
You two have a MAGA day!
…god would be forgiving…
Karen and Michelle, with their more “black” wigs, walk up toward Beverly and Diane.
KAREN
Hi Beverly! Hi Diane!
BEVERLY
(not recognizing her.)
Oh…are you looking for your stipend? They should’ve given it to you in wardrobe.
KAREN
Oh, oh…I’m not…you think I’m…
The bartender approaches.
KAREN
I’ll have—whatever light beer you have back there.
BEVERLY
Have you thought of what you can do with the generous stipend we gave you today? To help yourself instead of constantly asking for handouts?
DIANE
Pick yourself up by the bootstraps! Make something of yourself!
KAREN
You’re absolutely right! I really should!
Karen grabs her drink and takes a swig. Beverly finishes the last of the wine in her glass.
BEVERLY
Well, while you’re here I may as well ask you…woman to woman…is it true what they say about black men? How big are they? I’m sure you’ve sampled enough to have a good idea.
KAREN
(Swigging more beer)
Well, uh…you know what they say…once you go black, you never go back!
DIANE
That’s just what Beverly wanted to hear!
(laughs)
Karen grabs Michelle’s hand and stands up from the barstool.
KAREN
Goodbye, ladies!
(To herself as she begins walking away)
I can’t believe I fooled them! I must be really convincing!
INTERCUT TO:
INT. TRUMP HOTEL D.C., LOBBY – DAY
Dramatic Homeless Woman walks up to Homeless Ringleader and gives her a high-five.
DRAMATIC HOMELESS WOMAN
Great idea to act as cray cray as they THINK we are. That was more fun than I expected to have at a Trump event!
HOMELESS RINGLEADER
A hundred bucks might get us here, but it’s going to take a lot more than that for me to seriously act like I support that fool.
DRAMATIC HOMELESS WOMAN
I’m glad I could put my 10 years’ experience as a high school drama teacher to good use!
They both look over toward Cisco Mel, who is heading toward Beverly and Diane at the bar, muttering to himself.
HOMELESS RINGLEADER
Well, Cisco Mel doesn’t need to do any acting. But hot damn, he cleans up nice, don’t he?
DRAMATIC HOMELESS WOMAN
Sure does. If I didn’t know he was off his rocker I’d be all over him right now!
INTERCUT TO:
INT. TRUMP HOTEL D.C., LOUNGE BAR - DAY
Cisco Mel walks up to the bar, grunts, and starts grabbing the lemons, limes and maraschino cherries and stuffing them in his pockets.
BEVERLY
Well, HELLO there. Look at you! With your strong build, you look like you would be good at working the fields. Tell me, how well can you handle a hoe?
INTERCUT TO:
INT. TRUMP HOTEL D.C., NEAR THE BUFFET - DAY
Karen and Michelle are standing near the buffet table. A REPORTER, an Asian-American woman in her 20s, is speaking to HOMELESS GUY 1, a thin black man in his 60s.
REPORTER
Why are you here showing your support for President Trump?
HOMELESS GUY 1
(mumbling)
The windmills…the cursed windmills..
(louder)
Trump’s going to save us from the windmills! The windmill noise! The cancer! The BIRDS!
REPORTER
I’m not sure I follow…
HOMELESS GUY 1
(louder)
And nobody is tougher on hurricanes! Only TRUMP has the strength to NUKE them!
REPORTER
Okay then…moving along…
The reporter steps over and snaps Karen and Michelle’s photos wearing their new “Blacks for Trump” gear.
HOMELESS GUY 1 (O.S.)
The plague is here! Repent! Bleach will save us all!!! Covfefe!
REPORTER
Hi there. I’m a reporter with the non-partisan Daily Times. Can I ask you a few questions?
KAREN
SURE!
(To Michelle)
Isn’t this fun? We’re being interviewed!
Michelle smiles and starts laughing.
REPORTER
First of all, what’s your name and where are you from?
KAREN
My name is…um…ah…Loretta…Loretta, ah…Brown. I’m from Camden, New Jersey.
REPORTER
Great. And who is this cutie with you?
KAREN
This is my granddaughter.
REPORTER
And what’s her name?
KAREN
(immediately)
LaQueesha
REPORTER
Can you spell that for me?
KAREN
No.
MICHELLE
(laughing)LO QUEEEEEEE SHAAAA!!!!
REPORTER
Okay then...so why are you here at this event to support President Trump?
KAREN
I’ll GLADLY tell you…It makes me so MAD that so many blacks are BRAINWASHED by the Democratic party, when no president has EVER been as good for the blacks as President Trump! Just think of all the JOBS! I mean, before this China Virus hoax, ANYONE could get a job! They were hiring at stores and diners and warehouses all over the place! And the LIBERALS try to say that Trump is racist. You know who’s REALLY racist??? Anyone who says that there’s such a thing as “white privilege!” Black Lives Matter is the REAL racist movement!
Michelle has been laughing hysterically throughout her grandmother’s tirade. She has also been shaking her head to whip her cornrows around until the wig falls forward halfway onto her face. Travis steps in to interrupt.
TRAVIS
Excuse me. I need you to come with me. Let’s go to the wardrobe area.
KAREN
Why? Am I supposed to be a seamstress or something?
Travis straightens up Michelle’s wig and then leads Karen and Michelle away. Karen waves back and smiles at the reporter.
TRAVIS
(shaking his head)
No, I…oh god this is a disaster…what did I tell you?
MICHELLE
(laughing)Don’t talk to reporters! Don’t talk to reporters!
TRAVIS
I’m glad YOU heard me.
KAREN
I think I did GREAT! I made a great strong black woman!
TRAVIS
The Dolezal thing is a little too risky if you’re going to start talking. I think we need to get you out of here.
They continue to walk toward the conference room that’s used for wardrobe. Travis opens the door.
INTERCUT TO:
INT. TRUMP HOTEL D.C., WARDROBE ROOM - DAY
Beverly and Cisco Mel are lying on boxes, apparently naked. Only their heads and shoulders can be seen because the rest of their bodies are obscured by racks of clothing. Beverly is wearing a large floppy-brimmed Scarlett O’Hara hat, and is waving around a whip in one hand. Cisco Mel has a rope loosely draped around his neck, like a noose.
BEVERLY
(panting)
Plow me harder, Kunta Kinte!!!
Travis and Karen slowly back away and shut the door.
INT. HOSPITAL - NIGHT
Inside the Covid ward at the hospital. Kevin is lying in a bed. Next to him, a nurse is holding an iPad over the bed of a black woman who is on a ventilator. On the screen saying goodbye is the grocery store clerk Karen had assaulted (not wearing a mask now, but recognizable by a unique hairstyle).
GROCERY STORE CLERK
(on the screen, crying)
I’m so, so sorry I brought the virus home to you, Grammy. You should’ve been able to live for another 20 years…and finally see Barbados next year. I’m so sorry…I don’t know what I’ll do without you! I love you!
Kevin closes his eyes, goes to sleep, and starts to dream.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. TRUMP GILDED BEDROOM - NIGHT
Grand, gilded double doors open, and Karen and Kevin walk into the “presidential” bedroom, where Handsome Trump awaits. There is a giant, gilded mirror at the head of the gilded bed in the opulent, Louis XIV-style room. Kevin and Karen are both wearing MAGA hats and Trump 2020 t-shirts. Karen is wearing mom jeans.
HANDSOME TRUMP
Kevin and Karen! Welcome! Thank you for being such patriots! It’s people like you who keep America Great!
KEVIN
It’s such an honor to meet you, Mr. President!
KAREN
Wow! This place is so classy!
HANDSOME TRUMP
(looking at Karen)
My god, woman—you are exquisite! The ample, voluptuous patriotism that emanates from your every pore is irresistible!
Karen blushes.
HANDSOME TRUMP (CONT’D)
I…would never, ever want to cheat on my beloved Melania. The loving way she gazes upon me with such utter devotion!!! But she and I do have an agreement…a “pass,” if you will…I’m allowed to consummate my patriotism in the carnal act if I should ever find a pure patriot as devoted to this country as I am. With you…
(looking at Karen)
…I believe I have found this patriot.
(turns to Kevin)
My good man, I know this is a highly unusual request in a highly unusual time, but would you do me the honor of letting me have relations with your sublime wife?
KEVIN
Well, sir, that’s very flattering…
KAREN
Kevin, you have to say yes!
KEVIN
Um…I…I wasn’t expecting…
KAREN
President Trump is my pass! He’s the ONE person where it’s okay to have sex!
KEVIN
I thought it was Chachi.
KAREN
No, no!!! You know it’s President Donald Trump!
KEVIN
Well, I can’t say no to that. In fact, sir, Mr. President, I would be so proud and honored if you would have sex with my wife.
HANDSOME TRUMP
That means so much to me, my good man. But…I’m so aroused by the patriotism in this room right now…and I know that you are also as much of a freedom warrior as your wife. I wouldn’t want to leave you out. Kevin, would you join us in…what shall we call it? A “freesome?”
KEVIN
Wow! Uh, I really wasn’t expecting that, sir, Mr. President. I…I’m honored, really…I just, I mean…I’m not gay or anything…
HANDSOME TRUMP
Of course not!!! I’m not gay either! I’m the most alpha hetero male who has ever walked the earth! But this is an exceptional situation….it’s about patriotism…so, you could be gay for ME, couldn’t you? You could be gay for America?
KEVIN
I, uh…
KAREN
Come on, Kevin! Don’t be such a prude! This is for our President! This is for our country!
KEVIN
Well, uh…okay, sure…that would be great. Sir, Mr. President. I’m honored. Yes, I’ll be glad to join this “freesome!”
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. TRUMP GILDED BEDROOM - NIGHT
A FEW MINUTES LATER
Bow-chicka-bow-wow porno music is playing, and there is a writhing mound under the covers in the giant bed in the gaudy, gilded bedroom. Grunting and panting can be heard.
KAREN (O.S. under the covers)
Oh Mr. President! Oh Mr. President!!!!
Handsome Trump then pulls the covers down a little, exposing his face and Kevin’s. He has turned to Kevin. Handsome Trump appears to be naked, except for his long red necktie.
HANDSOME TRUMP
Now that your wife is more sated than she’s ever been in her life, I can turn my full attention to you, my dear patriot. You handsome American warrior, you!
Handsome Trump nudges Kevin around so Kevin is lying on his stomach, and Handsome Trump gets behind him.
HANDSOME TRUMP
You’re about to have the experience of a lifetime! Prepare to ride the Trump train!
At that point, Kevin looks up, and through the reflection in the mirror above the headboard he sees that it’s not Handsome Trump behind him preparing to fuck him, but the ACTUAL fat, orange, bloated, septuagenarian Donald who exists in real life. Kevin screams.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. HOSPITAL - NIGHT
Kevin sits up in bed and takes deep breaths, wiping the sweat off his forehead. He looks around, getting his bearings, and calms down.
KEVIN
Thank god…it was only a dream. But where the hell did THAT come from?
EXT. HOSPITAL – DAY
CHYRON: Sunday, August 23, 2020
Karen (finally wearing a mask) wheels Kevin out of the hospital. When they get to the curb, Karen and Kevin both rip off their masks, Kevin stands up from the wheelchair, and he and Karen start walking over to the RV in the parking lot.
KAREN
How are you feeling, hon? I’m so glad you didn’t have to stay in the hospital too long! Did they give you hydroxychloroquine?
Kevin looks at his hospital bill.
KEVIN
I don’t know what the hell they gave me, but it’s going to set me back $10K!
KAREN
Insurance should handle that.
KEVIN
This is AFTER insurance! After the deductible, out-of-network charges. Karen, after all of the money I’ve poured into Kilkenny contracting, we don’t have anything left personally. Not only is my business bankrupt, but we’re personally financially screwed.
KAREN
That can’t be! That’s awful!
(pauses)
This never would’ve happened except for Obamacare! It’s all Obama’s fault! But I’m glad you’re doing better than poor Rocko.
Karen and Kevin both bless themselves and look up at the sky.
EXT. OUTDOOR CAFÉ, SHIRLINGTON, VA – DAY
CHYRON: Monday, August 24, 2020
Eli and Kaylee are sitting at an outdoor café in the Shirlington section of Arlington, Virginia, where they’re getting some food with Nelson at the side of their table. Their masks are around their necks. Kaylee looks at her phone and does a facepalm.
ELI
What? What is it?
Kaylee hands her phone over to Eli to show an image of Karen and Michelle at the “Blacks for Trump” event, with Karen wearing a black-ish wig and identified as “Loretta Brown” and Michelle wearing a Stevie Wonder-type cornrows wig that seems to be too big for her little head.
ELI
Loretta Brown? Like Cleveland’s wife in “Family Guy?”
Kaylee shrugs.
ELI (CONT’D)
I have to say, your mom being Loretta Brown at a “Blacks for Trump” event was not on my batshit bingo card.
KAYLEE
Well, at least we know they ARE back in the DC area. I just hope they take the bait and come to defend Beauregard Shelby on Wednesday.
INT. LESTER’S RV – DAY
CHYRON: Tuesday, August 25, 2020
KAREN
(looking at her phone)
Are you frickin’ kidding me?? Do you see what the liberals are doing now? They’re trying to CANCEL General Beauregard Shelby!
KEVIN
Who?
KAREN
A great Civil War general! A hero! The liberals are going to try to ERASE him from history and tear his statue down! Right near here! In Arlington!
KEVIN
(shaking his head)
That’s disgusting. We’re in the South, for Chrissakes. What the hell is this about?
(looking at his phone)
I just tried googling. I don’t see anything about General Shelby.
KAREN
This is terrible! They’ve almost erased him already!
EXT. OUTDOOR CAFÉ, SHIRLINGTON, VA – DAY
Kaylee and Eli are at a different outdoor café in Shirlington with Nelson. They are scrolling through social media, trying to see if anyone responded to the Shelby statue event.
ELI
Holy shit…look at this. Beauregard Shelby is blowing up.
INTERCUT TO:
INT. – TRAVIS’S STUDIO - DAY
Travis is lounging casually in a chair in his studio as he prepares to “educate” his viewers.
TRAVIS
In their ongoing war against history and FACTS, the liberals are trying to CANCEL the legacy of a true American patriot. That’s right—now they’re going after the statue—the legacy—of General Beauregard Shelby. They want to ERASE him. For those who don’t already know, General Shelby was a plantation owner who gave up his riches to fight bravely for his homeland in the South. But do you know the REAL reason the libs don’t want you to know his story? It’s not just because he fought for the Confederacy. It’s because the soldiers who fought for him—the soldiers who loved him and who would willingly give their lives for him—were BLACK!!! And that just doesn’t work with the liberal agenda.
INTERCUT TO:
Video reel of images of Confederate generals and black confederate soldiers, with dramatic music playing in the background.
TRAVIS (V.O.)
That’s right! Beauregard Shelby’s family had been so good to their slaves for generations that their slaves were willing to throw down their lives for him—the Shelbys treated blacks MUCH better than the Union did!
Video reel of actual Southern plantations and young southern belles, intercut with footage from Gone with the Wind.
TRAVIS (V.O., CONT’D)
One time, Confederate scouts tipped General Shelby off that a Union army troop full of pedophiles was approaching a girls’ orphanage in Virginia! General Shelby couldn’t stand the thought of letting those dirty Union scoundrels violate those young girls, so he and his black battalion saved the day!
ELI (V.O.)
Again with the pedophilia? These freaks are obsessed!
INTERCUT TO:
INT. – TRAVIS’S STUDIO - DAY
Travis leans forward in his chair to stress the importance of his next words.
TRAVIS
And that’s why it’s so important NOT to let the libs get away with destroying the legacy of that brave patriot. So, if you’re in the D.C. area, please join us at Shirlington Park, Wednesday at 3:00, to save the statue of this great man. History is ours!!!! A-WOOOOO!!!!
INTERCUT TO:
EXT. OUTDOOR CAFÉ, SHIRLINGTON, VA – DAY
KAYLEE
Did you see this? It looks like over 200 people have RSVP’d to protest this statue removal!
ELI
Guess who else just responded?
KAYLEE
No!
ELI
Yes! Your mom and dad will be there!!!
Kaylee reaches over and gives Eli a big hug and a kiss on the cheek.
KAYLEE
You really are brilliant.
EXT. SHIRLINGTON PARK - DAY
CHYRON: Wednesday, August 26, 2020
Kevin, Karen and Michelle are walking in the park. Kevin and Michelle are in Trump shirts, and Karen is wearing a Q t-shirt. Karen and Kevin are in MAGA hats.
MICHELLE
When can we go swimming? I’m all ready! I have my bathing suit on under my clothes!
KEVIN
Maybe later, Michelle. First we need to be patriotic. Stand up for our country.
MICHELLE
(exasperated)
Do we have to save the children again?
KAREN
Not this time. Today we have to protect the statue of a general that some liberals are trying to tear down! They’re trying to erase history!
MICHELLE
The general fought for the United States?
KEVIN
Well…uh, he fought for part of the United States, yeah…
KAREN
General Beauregard Shelby was a brave hero!
MICHELLE
Shelby like my horse doll? The one Daddy gave me?
KAREN
Yeah, you’re right…What a coincidence that they have the same name!
MAGA MAN in a MAGA hat calls out to them as he walks by.
MAGA MAN
That’s great that you brought a black girl with you! Blacks need to get on board the Trump Train! Represent!
KAREN
Thanks! Yeah, this is our granddaughter. Our daughter married a black guy…
MICHELLE
(imitating her grandmother)
But they’re split up now!
KAREN
…but they’re split up now.
INTERCUT TO:
EXT. ENTRANCE TO SHIRLINGTON PARK - DAY
Kaylee, Eli and Nelson are approaching the entrance of the park. Kaylee and Eli are wearing cowgirl/cowboy hats. Eli is wearing a shirt with the American flag. Kaylee is wearing a red white and blue tank top, Daisy Duke cutoff shorts, and cowboy boots. Eli holds Nelson’s leash as they walk into the crowd of people with red MAGA hats.
KAYLEE
Hopefully we’ll blend in with the MAGAt crowd.
ELI
I couldn’t bring myself to buy a Trump shirt, but hopefully the flag t-shirt will do.
KAYLEE
I can’t wait until the American flag can stand for something good again!
ELI
(tipping his hat)
You said it, ma’am.
They both mask up and go into the park. There are a few dozen Trumpers milling around—most not wearing masks, but wearing MAGA hats, carrying Trump and American and Confederate flags. Some are carrying guns. They are all looking in vain for the nonexistent Beauregard Shelby statue. Two MAGAt WOMEN in their late 50s walk by, and their conversation can be overheard. One is wearing a red MAGA hat and a confederate flag t-shirt, and the other is wearing a pink MAGA hat and a commemorative Beauregard Shelby t-shirt.
CONFEDERATE SHIRT MAGA WOMAN
My cousin just posted a Snopes link on my Facebook page saying that Beauregard Shelby isn’t real. Do you believe that?
PINK HAT/SHELBY SHIRT MAGA WOMAN
Snopes is just liberal propaganda—I can’t believe anyone would fall for that!
CONFEDERATE SHIRT MAGA WOMAN
Yeah, my cousin’s a real libtard.
A YOUNG MAGA MAN, in his 20s, walks by with his friends and questions Eli and Kaylee as he passes them.
YOUNG MAGA MAN
Anyone know where the Shelby statue’s at?
KAYLEE
Hopefully those dang libs didn’t take it down already!
INTERCUT TO:
EXT. SHIRLINGTON PARK - DAY
Karen, Kevin and Michelle are walking in a sea of MAGAts.
KAREN
(to Kevin)
I know what happened here!
Karen grabs a megaphone from a table some MAGAts had set up, and she steps up onto a small makeshift platform.
KAREN
My fellow patriots!!! My name is Karen Kilkenny. You may know me from my posts in the Q Patriot Militia Facebook Group. We’ve all walked around this park, and the only conclusion is that disgusting Antifa vandals have ALREADY destroyed the statue of General Beauregard Shelby! Unfortunately, we’re too late for the statue, but we will avenge General Shelby! His name will not be forgotten!
The crowd cheers. Unnoticed, Michelle wanders away.
KAREN (CONT’D)
Our mission is NOT over! We all have important roles to play! According to the latest information from Q Patriot, the cabal is ramping up its efforts to take down President Trump! They are going to try to DESTROY him during the RNC! This is why we must be there to help him in any way we can! We need to be out in force to help President Trump bring on the STORM! And save the CHILDREN! Once President Trump takes care of the evil pedophile cabal, he can rebuild our proud history, and General Beauregard Shelby’s name and statue will be restored!
The crowd cheers again.
INTERCUT TO:
EXT. SHIRLINGTON PARK, NEAR THE DOG PARK - DAY
Michelle opens a gate and walks into a dog park area, which has a creek running through it. She takes off her Trump t-shirt and shorts, and is just in her bathing suit. She goes down to the creek, splashes in the water and plays with a few of the dogs. She then puts her shoes back on (but discards her Trump clothes) and leaves the dog park, walking around in just her bathing suit.
INTERCUT TO:
EXT. SHIRLINGTON PARK, NEAR THE DOG PARK - DAY
Eli and Kaylee are walking Nelson in the dog park area. Suddenly Nelson yanks free and starts running ahead, with his leash dragging behind him as Kaylee and Eli try to run to catch up to him. Nelson runs up to Michelle and starts jumping on her and licking her, wagging his little stump of a tail wildly.
MICHELLE
NELSON! NELSON! It’s YOU!!! You FOUND me, Nelson!
KAYLEE
Is that MICHELLE????
ELI
MICHELLE!!!
Kaylee and Eli run over to Michelle and start hugging and kissing her, and kissing each other.
MICHELLE
Mommy! Daddy! We’re all here now!!!!
ELI
We missed you so much, Chelly!
KAYLEE
Let’s all go back to the hotel. I want to get out of here.
MICHELLE
What about Grandmom and Granddad? They’re over that way!(points)
ELI
Why aren’t they with you now?
MICHELLE
Will you get mad?
KAYLEE
(wiping away happy tears)No, honey…I couldn’t get mad right now, I’m so happy to see you!
MICHELLE
I snuck away. It was BORING! Grandmom was just shouting to the crowd about a statue named after my horse doll.
KAYLEE
Beauregard Shelby?
MICHELLE
Yeah. “SAVE THE GENERAL SHELBY!!!”
ELI
We’re not mad. We’re just SO happy to see you! Let’s just go back to our hotel now. We’ll decide if we want to call Grandmom and Granddad later, okay?
MICHELLE
(hugs her parents tighter)YAY!
EXT. SHIRLINGTON PARK – DAY
CHYRON: Thursday, August 27, 2020
Kaylee and Eli and Michelle are walking Nelson in the park. There is a “MISSING” flyer taped up on a utility pole with (a younger version of) Michelle’s face on it.
MICHELLE
Is that ME?
KAYLEE
Oh my god.
ELI
Seriously??? That picture is over two years old. That’s the most recent one they have? After they’ve spent the past TWO WEEKS with her?
KAYLEE
At least they noticed she’s gone.(looks at her phone)
I’m getting a text.
KAYLEE (CONT’D)
Her ears must’ve been ringing.
ELI
Your mom?
KAYLEE
Yeah. She says they’re in D.C., and they have some concerning news about Michelle, but they don’t want me to panic.
ELI
They lose our daughter and don’t want you to get upset about it??? Nice.
KAYLEE
This is unacceptable. I’m furious.
ELI
What do you want to do?
KAYLEE
Let’s tell them we’ll meet them in person in DC in a few hours. I really want to give them a piece of my mind. And then, to be honest, after all Michelle told us about what they exposed her to, I think I’m done with them.
INT. SUPREME COURT LIBRARY - DAY
A bookshelf opens to reveal a secret passage. Witch Hillary, Warlock Bill, Zombie Podesta, Ghoulish George Soros, Major Quentin Quimby, Morales, Antifa, and assorted ghouls/ghoulish celebrities enter the library through the passageway.
ZOMBIE PODESTA
It was very smart of you to install these secret entryways throughout the capitol during your terms in the White House.
WARLOCK BILL
Best decision we ever made! Every time I come to D.C. I can sneak into the White House kitchen for some snacks. I’ll tell you, Trump has much better food than that health nut Obama. Mmmmm…Trump Hamberders…
GHOULISH GEORGE SOROS
Now that we’re in the Supreme Court building, what’s our plan now, Madame Secretary?
WITCH HILLARY
When we go down to the Supreme Court chambers, we’ll find another passageway that will take us to the communications center, where we can overtake the room and broadcast my steamy sex with Handsome Donald to the masses!
ZOMBIE PODESTA
It’s very fortunate that they chose to hold the RNC here, where we have this access.
WITCH HILLARY
Yes, they played right into our hands! Normally that do-gooder Trump would NEVER want to break the law and violate the Hatch Act by using government property for political gain, but he must’ve felt he had no choice—that he was more secure here! But he underestimated us again!
Witch Hillary cackles and rubs her hands together in evil glee.
INT. WHITE HOUSE SITUATION ROOM - DAY
Handsome Donald is posed with one leg up on a chair, his elbow on his leg, and his fist resting underneath his chin, like “The Thinker.” Seated around the table are Bob Mueller, Stephen Miller, Sherriff Arpaio, Roy Moore, Eddie Gallagher, and Roger Stone.
STEPHEN MILLER
Sir, we’ve just received word that the perimeter has been breached.
HANDSOME TRUMP
Hillary and her evil forces are here?
STEPHEN MILLER
Yes, sir, just as Q had warned.
Handsome Trump stands up and paces around the table.
HANDSOME TRUMP
So the time for battle is nigh, my friends. We must defeat this cabal of child-eating pedophiles once and for all!! Let’s send them all to Guantanamo Bay! Are you with me?
They all whoop and holler in assent.
HANDSOME TRUMP (CONT’D)
ARE YOU WITH ME????
They all holler and cheer more loudly.
HANDSOME TRUMP (CONT’D)
It’s go time!
INT. SUPREME COURT LIBRARY - DAY
Witch Hillary and her gang of ghouls are sneaking through the rows of law books. Handsome Trump, with his team behind him, steps out in front of them.
HANDSOME TRUMP
Not so fast, Hillary!
WITCH HILLARY
YOU! How did you know we’d be here?
HANDSOME TRUMP
People who support my cause are everywhere! We will defeat you!
WITCH HILLARY
We’ll see about that!!! Antifa and ghouls—ATTACK!!!!
Pandemonium breaks loose. Hillary and her gang start to throw giant law books at Handsome Donald and his defenders, but they easily deflect the books.
ZOMBIE PODESTA
He’s impervious to the law! It’s his superpower!
Roger Stone tackles Zombie Podesta, bringing him to the ground. Roy Moore and Warlock Bill punch each other. Sherriff Arpaio gets Ghoulish George Soros in a headlock. Stephen Miller throws Morales to the ground and keeps punching his face. Eddie Gallagher crouches down behind a row of books and starts aiming his assault weapon. Bob Mueller battles various Antifa ninjas. Witch Hillary climbs on a table, maniacally barking instructions to her troops.
WITCH HILLARY
Destroy them!!! Destroy them for me, and all the pizza children in the world will be ours!!!!
Handsome Trump easily knocks out one Antifa ninja after another, throwing punches and karate kicks. Roy Moore knocks over bookcases, trying to land them on Warlock Bill, who sneaks away. Eddie Gallagher shoots wildly, but misses Antifa members as they hop and jump around, and damages paintings and the walls instead. Sherriff Arpaio walks toward him.
EDDIE GALLAGHER
Damn it!!!! Stay still, you bastards!
SHERRIFF ARPAIO:
Aren’t you supposed to be a professional sharpshooter or something?
EDDIE GALLAGHER
Lay off, man. Unsuspecting Iraqi grandpas and their grandkids make much easier targets.
SHERRIFF ARPAIO
Well, try to give me a little cover. I need to take a leak.
Sherriff Arpaio walks a few steps behind and starts pissing all over some law books. As he zips up his fly, Roy Moore, out of breath and now with a black eye, walks up to him.
ROY MOORE
Hoo-wee! This is hard work. But it’s worth it to stick up for President Trump after all he did for us!
SHERRIFF ARPAIO
You said it! President Trump recognized that the most important job I had as Sherriff was to go after the Mexicans. Those liberals tried to say I should’ve concentrated on arresting rapists and pedophiles instead—men who were WHITE! As if it’s a crime when red-blooded white American men force themselves on teenagers! Everybody KNOWS that don’t count as rape!
ROY MORE
Exactly! What are they, STUPID???
Handsome Trump is about to throw the scales of justice at Hillary’s ghouls, but then turns to Bob Mueller.
HANDSOME TRUMP
Too heavy-handed?
BOB MUELLER
Does it matter?
Handsome Trump throws the scales of justice toward an Antifa member, shattering it against a wall. At that point, Major Quentin Quimby grabs Hillary from behind, pulls her off the table and drags her over to Trump.
WITCH HILLARY
YOU!!! TRAITOR!!! HOW CAN YOU BETRAY ME???
QUIMBY
I’m glad to finally be able to turn you over to President Trump so you can get the justice you deserve! Behold the coming of the STORM!!!!
HANDSOME TRUMP
Antifa, zombies and ghouls—we have your leader! Stop your destruction now, or she will be dealt with accordingly!!!
The fighting temporarily stops as Witch Hillary’s troops slink back behind the remaining book cases.
HANDSOME TRUMP
Great work, Quimby! It must’ve been awful having to spend time with these ghouls. But it all paid off! The storm is beginning, and soon these pizza eaters will be sent off to Guantanamo Bay where they belong!!!
QUIMBY
But I have one more thing to reveal…
Quimby takes off his glasses, and rips off his bald-headed wig to reveal a full head of dark hair. He is actually JFK Jr.—looking exactly as young as he did as a 39-year old in 1999.
QUIMBY/JFK JR.
It is I…the heir to Camelot…the prince of Hyannis Port…John F. Kennedy Jr.!!!
WITCH HILLARY
What? Why?
QUIMBY/JFK JR.
I faked my own death over 20 years ago just for this moment!!!
WITCH HILLARY
Okay, but plot-wise, how does this make sense? What’s the point?
BOB MUELLER
You can’t expect it to make sense. You just have to go with it.
HANDSOME TRUMP
(looking over at Warlock Bill)
Bill Clinton! Surrender now or Hillary will be destroyed!
Warlock Bill quickly turns around and retreats through a secret bookcase/door.
WITCH HILLARY
BILL! BILL!!!!
HANDSOME TRUMP
It looks like you’re through, Hillary.
Some Antifa types start peering down from the top of the bookshelves.
WITCH HILLARY
Not so fast, Donald. Antifa—drop the sleeping gas!
Antifa drops some cannisters, which start to smoke up. Hillary, Antifa, and the remaining ghouls/celebrities put on their masks.
HANDSOME TRUMP
Oh no! Foiled by your devious mask plot!
WITCH HILLARY
Sleepy! You’re getting sleepy!!! Poppies!!!
Handsome Trump and his cohorts drop to the Supreme Court library floor, where they cuddle up and sleep as Witch Hillary and her team depart through the secret bookcase.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. SUPREME COURT LIBRARY – DAY
LATER
Handsome Trump, spooning with Stephen Miller, wakes up and sits up. The rest of his team begins to wake up too. Sherriff Arpaio stretches. Handsome Trump glances around the room at all the destruction of the library.
HANDSOME TRUMP
Look at the looting! Look at the property damage! Antifa looters strike again!
STEPHEN MILLER
They’ll have to pay!
HANDSOME TRUMP
I can’t believe they got away!
BOB MUELLER
But at least they won’t be able to release the video at the RNC tonight. We get to fight another day.
HANDSOME TRUMP
But they still have that evil, disgusting video of the worst moment of my life.
ROGER STONE
Maybe not…I have an important call coming through from Moscow.
Roger Stone clicks on a remote control, which reveals a huge screen in the room. The face of VLADIMIR PUTIN appears on the screen.
PUTIN
Comrade! Congratulations are in order for your victory in the fight against the evil Hillary Clinton!
HANDSOME TRUMP
Thank you, Vladimir, but the victory is only temporary. Although she and her cabal retreated from the capitol for now, she still is in possession of kompromat that could turn my loyal followers against me!
PUTIN
Nyet. Not to worry, my good friend. I would not let you down. Russians have the best hackers in the world, with access to the Clinton’s email server. We have stolen the video from them. It will be in our safekeeping.
HANDSOME TRUMP
That is such a relief! Thank you, my good friend. I trust you with this secret information, because I know how supportive you’ve always been of democracy!
PUTIN
Of course—And I would never ask you for favorable policies to advance my aims in exchange for keeping this secret.
HANDSOME TRUMP
That would be completely out of character!
PUTIN
Da. Now it’s time for you to go and accept your party’s nomination for reelection. Go make your triumphant speech, my good comrade!
HANDSOME TRUMP
I will! Thank you, Vladimir!
EXT. NEAR THE WHITE HOUSE - NIGHT
Kaylee, Eli and Michelle are walking around a crowd of Trump supporters in Washington D.C.
KAYLEE
I think that’s the place we’re supposed to meet them over there—wait for me here—I’ll check it out and come right back.
Kaylee walks off and disappears through the crowd.
INTERCUT TO:
EXT. NEAR THE WHITE HOUSE, A HALF A BLOCK AWAY - NIGHT
Karen and Kevin are walking through the crowd nearby.
KEVIN
I hope Antifa is here! It would make my day if I could nab one of those pieces of shit for the President!
KAREN
Kevin, I think that’s Michelle! Someone’s got her!
KEVIN
Are you sure? I can’t tell with the mask…
KAREN
Yes, let’s go!
Karen and Kevin start jogging, but get winded immediately, and then spot TWO OFFICERS doing crowd control. OFFICER 1 is white, OFFICER 2 is black.
KAREN
Officers! Officers! We need your help! That black man took our granddaughter!
OFFICER 1
Who? That little girl in the pink and the black guy in the blue baseball cap?
KAREN
Yes, that’s them! That’s our granddaughter!
The officers run over and pounce on Eli from behind, tackle him and push him to the ground while Michelle screams.
MICHELLE
Daddy! Daddy! Don’t hurt my daddy!
Kaylee runs up to them.
KAYLEE
Stop!!! Stop attacking my husband!!!
OFFICER 2
Whose child is this?
KAYLEE
She’s our daughter!
Karen and Kevin catch up to them and see what’s going on. Kaylee sees them.
KAYLEE
YOU! YOU told the cops to attack Eli?
KEVIN
Well, we didn’t know it was Eli…we just saw someone with Michelle…
KAREN
She was missing, so we thought…
KAYLEE
(to officers)Please let my husband go!
KAREN
(to officers)
Her ex-husband.
KAYLEE
We were just walking with our daughter to meet these two idiots!
OFFICER 1
(to Karen & Kevin)
Is that true?
KAREN
Yeah, I’m sorry, officer. In the distance I didn’t recognize him. That’s my daughter’s ex-husband…the girl’s father.
The officers help Eli get up off the ground. The crowd around them (some videotaping) starts to dissipate.
KAYLEE
(hugging Eli)Are you okay?
ELI
Yeah, I’ll live.
KAYLEE
(turning to her parents)
I can’t believe you two!
EXT. WHITE HOUSE - NIGHT
After Handsome Trump’s speech, he stands on the stage with MELANIA, who is beaming and hugging him lovingly as the crowd roars in approval.
HANDSOME TRUMP
It was quite an evening, wasn’t it, darling?
MELANIA
Yes, it was an amazing tribute to an amazing man! But I can’t wait until the crowds are gone and I have you alone and we can consummate our deeply spiritual, loving bond.
HANDSOME TRUMP
(lovingly gazing into her eyes and kissing her hand)
I’m counting the minutes, my darling….still…
MELANIA
What troubles you, my true love?
HANDSOME TRUMP
I’m not sure….everything ended up for the best for me—for us! And yet I still have the sinking feeling that I’m due for one of the worst things that can befall an upstanding patriot like myself.
MELANIA
What would that be?
HANDSOME TRUMP
A sanctimonious liberal lecture…
MELANIA
Put that out of your head, my wonderful husband, and kiss me.
Melania and Handsome Donald kiss passionately as the fireworks begin to be set off behind them.
EXT. NEAR THE WHITE HOUSE - NIGHT
KAYLEE
(to her parents)You know what your problem is? You have no problems! It must be nice to have so little to worry about that you can just make up shit to hate. Do you ever feel stupid that all your villains are imaginary??? Antifa is not an organized group that you’ll ever have to worry about in the New Jersey suburbs. It’s just a name right-wing nuts use to make protesters sound scary to people like you. And in the “hellhole” cities that you think are terrorized by “antifa?” No one in any big city CARES about violent looters because they’re all too busy enjoying bunch! There are no caravans of raping Mexicans about to attack your cul de sac! It doesn’t hurt you if gay people get married. No one is trying to take your flag. No one is trying to take away God, so the two times you go to Church a year—assuming you’re not too hung over to go on Christmas morning—are still going to be options for you. All of the things you’re outraged over are ridiculous pieces of pure fiction! Your brains are so scrambled on Fox that you have no concept of reality! None! You’d really be MUCH better off if you had any kind of real hardship in your life to worry about so you could STOP feeling self-righteous outrage over people who just want to live their lives.
KAREN
What?? You make it sound like we’re the bad guys here?
KAYLEE
Ya think??? I can’t even begin to imagine the harm you’ve done to people!
BEGIN MONTAGE:
EXT. BEDMINSTER – DAY
An elderly woman in her late 60s, with long gray hair, who looks a bit quirky/hippie/liberal, wails in pain and holds her leg as other protesters try to help her. Kevin’s truck with its Trump flags can be seen in the ditch in the background.
INT. ICE DETENTION CENTER NEAR THE BORDER – DAY
Footage of kids in cages with ICE guards laughing at children’s tears.
INT. MORALES APARTMENT – DAY
The Morales family is roughly seized by ICE agents.
EXT. PORTLAND – NIGHT
Footage of Trump’s storm troopers beating protesters.
EXT. NEW YORK CITY – DAY
Footage of coffins being lowered into the mass Covid graves.
INT. HOSPITAL – DAY
The grocery store clerk sobs inconsolably on the video screen as her grandmother flatlines.
EXT. FLORIDA LAKE BBQ AREA – DAY
BBQ Man is being kicked by cops while he’s handcuffed on the ground, and his wife and teenage sons are being roughly handcuffed.
EXT. PARKING LOT – DAY
ICE agents hand the Morales girls to Mindy Ling and her henchman in exchange for an envelope.
EXT. WASHINGTON DC – DAY
Footage of protesters being gassed to clear the way for Trump’s photo op.
END MONTAGE.
KAYLEE
Yeah. Yeah, ma. You ARE the bad guys. Your actions aren’t funny. They HURT other people. Good people just trying to live their lives!
KAREN
How can you say we’re the bad guys when we’re trying to save CHILDREN from PEDOPHILES!
KAYLEE
You took my daughter…on a road trip…WITH…A…PEDOPHILE! You’re NOT trying to save children! That’s never what it was about. But when you just label anyone you don’t like as a pedophile you make a joke out of the very real problem of child trafficking. You know when child trafficking happens? It’s when children are ripped from the protection of their parents—like what’s happening to refugees at the border. It’s when there is such a gross wealth gap that the poor are desperate and vulnerable, and the rich never have to face any consequences for their crimes. And those are the things you SUPPORT! You’re so bored with your privileged, comfortable lives that you’re actively making things worse for everyone else!
KEVIN
Real nice that you want your parents to suffer. After all we’ve done for you. Well, you might get your wish. Kilkenny Contracting is going bankrupt. We’re underwater with our mortgage, so we might have to foreclose on our house too.
KAYLEE
You want me to feel sorry for you? I don’t. Maybe having a few hardships will help you start to be nicer people. I’m done with you. When I think of how much I’ve lost by supporting you…and how I almost lost EVERYTHING by trusting you to be decent….I…just can’t.
(to Eli)
Let’s get out of here.
Kaylee, Eli and Michelle are about to walk away, but then Eli stops, grabs Kaylee’s hand and gets down on one knee.
ELI
Kaylee…
KAYLEE
What? What are you doing?
ELI
Kaylee, I want to ask you, in front of Michelle, your racist parents, and all these baskets of deplorables…will you stay married to me?
KAYLEE
What? Yes, yes, you goofball! 100% yes!!!
Eli stands up, and Kaylee and Eli kiss as Michelle cheers, and the RNC fireworks light up the sky behind them. Some deplorables actually applaud and others walk by. Karen and Kevin roll their eyes.
EXT. WASHINGTON D.C. CAFE - NIGHT
Travis Howell is in another area of D.C. sitting at an outdoor café. He’s talking on his cell phone, while also typing away on his laptop.
TRAVIS (INTO DEVICE)
Yeah, James, I’m getting ready to drop a crumb. I think I have a good one. It doesn’t take much to send these useful idiots down the rabbit hole…
EXT. FLORIDA SCIENCE CENTER & AQUARIUM - NIGHT
Charles exits the Florida Science Center & Aquarium, where he had watched one of the shows. He looks up at the actual sky, and comments as a shooting star goes by.
CHARLES
Hi friends!
Peggy walks up behind him.
PEGGY
Charles? Charles is that you?
CHARLES
(turns around)
Peggy?
PEGGY
Oh my god, Charles, you’re alive! It’s been so long! Please don’t run away—let me talk to you! When I saw you were in this area of Florida, I thought you might go to a place where you could look at the stars.
Charles runs up and gives Peggy a big hug.
PEGGY
Come home to Virginia with me, Charles. My husband Joe and I—you remember Joe? We run a motel in Virginia and have plenty of room. It’s a lovely area. Our kids are all grown now, but they remember their Uncle Charlie fondly and would love to see you again. You could meet our new grandbabies. Please say you’ll come back with me!
CHARLES
I missed you, Peggy. I missed family. I’m sorry I stayed away so long. I’m ready to come home now.
EXT. TRAILER/RV PARK IN FLORIDA, SIX MONTHS LATER – DAY
CHYRON: February 2021
Karen & Kevin are sitting in lawn chairs in front of Lester’s RV at a run-down trailer park surrounded by junk and palm trees. Behind them are signs advertising autographed pictures of Trump for $5 each, as well as “IVANKA 2024” flags. They are waving and yelling at cars that go by. They are running a very trashy Trump memorabilia stand. A pitcher of Kool Aid is on the stack table next to them.
KEVIN
Get your Trump merch! Celebrate America’s greatness! No one was better for the working guy than Trump!
KAREN
Make America Great Again!!!
Passerby in car (O.S.)
LOSERS!
KEVIN
Get a life, Antifa! Just because you’d never be able to make something of yourself, that doesn’t mean you have any right to criticize a great, self-made man like Trump! LOSER!
Other cars honk, and some people cheer. Kevin puts his arm around Karen and gives the cars going by a fist-pump.
KAREN
MAGAAAA!!!!
THE END
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