Nov 14

Nov 14 Q's Clues: a Screenplay - PART 1

November 14, 2020

This is the tale of Karen and Kevin Kilkenny—middle-aged suburban QAnon followers who are on a quest to solve Q’s clues in order to help the handsome, dashing version of Donald Trump who exists only in their minds, and defeat the evil witch Hillary Clinton and her pizza-eating pedophile cabal.

The quest begins…

PART 1

INT. WITCH HILLARY’S LAIR - NIGHT

The scene is a typical haunted mansion, a formerly opulent residence that has fallen to disrepair and covered in cobwebs. Young, frightened white boys and girls, ages 6 – 10 are huddled together and handcuffed to the walls, dirty and disheveled and dressed like 19th century Dickensian street urchins. Throughout the scene they can be heard in the background moaning and pleading to be saved. (The scene is to be played for high camp—a la Austin Powers or the Adam West Batman series.)

The camera cuts to the face of WITCH HILLARY, a cartoonish witch with green skin, prosthetic nose, protruding chin, hairy warts, etc., who is messily and lustily devouring a slice of pizza. The camera pans out to reveal the blonde hairdo and pantsuit that identify her as the witchy version of Hillary Clinton. Other goblins/ghouls surround her, also licking their lips and devouring pizza, including WARLOCK BILL, ZOMBIE PODESTA, and GHOULISH GEORGE SOROS. Athletic “ANTIFA” members are also scurrying around—dressed in black like Ninjas, with black masks covering their faces. The way the Antifa members (about five or six of them) jump around is reminiscent of the flying monkeys in the Wizard of Oz. Cameos by Tom Hanks, Oprah Winfrey and Chrissy Tiegen, and other celebrities in the QAnon myth, would be a nice bonus! Note that in this misogynistic worldview, the women ghouls in the scene should be noticeably more hideous looking than the men.

WITCH HILLARY
Podesta!!! Get me some more of this delicious cheese pizza, which for some reason represents sex with children! Behold the bottomless depth of my depravity!
CHILDREN
Won’t anyone save the children??

Zombie Podesta shuffles over and puts another box of pizza in front of Witch Hillary.

ZOMBIE PODESTA
As you wish, my queen!

Witch Hillary cackles fiendishly and suggestively licks a new pizza slice.

CHILDREN
Nooooooo!!!!!
WARLOCK BILL
That looks delicious…can I have a slice?

Witch Hillary swats his hand away. She then turns to the man in the corner, MAJOR QUENTIN QUIMBY, a handsome military-type in his 40s. He is athletically built, but wears glasses and has a receding hairline.

WITCH HILLARY
Major General Quimby, would you like any of this juicy, delicious young pizza? I don’t think you’ve had any!

QUIMBY
Thank you, Madame Secretary Clinton, but I couldn’t possibly. My mind is too preoccupied with our plans for world domination!

Quimby takes Witch Hillary’s warty green hand and gallantly kisses it, charming her.

WITCH HILLARY
Very well then. I appreciate your dedication and your self-control. Unlike SOME people I know!

Witch Hillary elbows Warlock Bill in the chest.

WARLOCK BILL
Ow! How many times do I have to apologize?

GHOULISH GEORGE SOROS
My friends! A celebration is in order! We, the global cabal, funded by me, George Soros, have nearly defeated Donald Trump with this coronavirus hoax. Businesses are closed! The economy is in shambles! The fools who listen to mainstream media are cowering in fear, wearing masks!

WITCH HILLARY
(cackling)
Masks!!! A highly visual sign of the distrust we’ve sown in Trump’s leadership! It’s delicious!!!

Witch Hillary takes another bite of pizza as the children scream.

GHOULISH GEORGE SOROS
Yes, our sabotage is working! Trump’s chances of winning in November are getting slimmer! We will have our revenge, and usher in a devious new world of delectable, sexy PIZZA!!!! MWAAH-HAH-HAH!!!

CHILDREN
Saaaave usssss!!!!

ZOMBIE PODESTA
I’m sorry to interrupt, but I’m afraid I have some terrible news, my queen. Our pizza supplies are actually…running low.

WITCH HILLARY
What?? No, no, no!!! That cannot be! Our international trafficking operation needs an influx of new pizza, or we’re doomed and will be cast aside by the global cabal! There’s nothing that do-gooder Trump would enjoy more than locking pedophiles like us up in Guantanamo Bay! We must mobilize Antifa! Call in the rapist immigrant caravans!

ZOMBIE PODESTA
Yes, my queen.

GHOULISH GEORGE SOROS
Unfortunately, the success of our Covid hoax means that mass gatherings where we can snatch these pizza children are few and far between.

CHILDREN
Who will save the children?

WITCH HILLARY
I have a few ideas…but first, is everyone here loyal? There are still too many brave patriots in this country who are too smart to fall for our Covid hoax, and many of them seem to be onto us…correctly interpreting clues left by that anonymous patriot on the internet. Major Quimby--you’ve been awfully quiet tonight. Can we trust you?

QUIMBY
Of course you can trust me, Madame Secretary Clinton. I’ve got “Q” Clearance!

Quimby turns to the camera and winks.

EXT. SUBURBAN SOUTHERN NEW JERSEY NEIGHBORHOOD – DAY

CHYRON: Saturday, August 15, 2020

Two large suburban McMansions are in view, one with one Trump flag and an RV parked out front, and the house next door with numerous Trump flags and banners and American flags, with a few cars and trucks out front, including one large new pickup truck with Trump flags. The camera pans to the backyard of that house.

EXT. KILKENNY BACKYARD – DAY

KAREN KILKENNY, white middle-aged frumpy blonde, slightly overweight suburbanite, and her husband KEVIN KILKENNY, a white middle-aged, slightly overweight, balding man with close-cropped graying facial hair, prepare to greet their first party guests. (Both Karen and Kevin have heavy Philadelphia/South Jersey accents.) Their guests PATTI and JIM, another fifty-something average suburban New Jersey couple, walk into the Kilkenny backyard, which has a big swimming pool, a deck and a grill, and is decorated with “happy birthday” mylar balloons.

KAREN
Where we go one, we go all!

PATTI
Where we go one, we go all!

JIM
Happy birthday, Karen!

KAREN
Thanks! 55 is the new 25, right? Ha, ha!

KEVIN
Grab some beer from the cooler…snacks are on the table…I’m about to fire up the grill.

JIM
How about I supervise, Kev? I don’t want you burning the shit out of those burgers again!

Kevin and Jim walk over to the grill.

KEVIN
Well, make yourself useful and hand me that pack of hot dogs to get started. How’s it going, anyway?

Jim cracks open a beer and tosses Kevin a pack of hot dogs.

JIM
Eh, could be better. This Covid hoax is killing me, Kevin. Usually I’d have people three deep inside my bar on summer weekends, but now I can only have a few tables outside. I don’t know how much longer the PPP loan is going to tide me over.

KEVIN
(shaking his head)
It makes me sick what the libs are doing to the country with their fuckin’ vendetta against Trump.

JIM
Trump Derangement Syndrome! But you and Karen look like you’re doing great. The new deck and pool are pretty fuckin’ sweet!

KEVIN
Yeah, we decided to treat ourselves. Had to take out a second mortgage to get it done, but it’s worth it.

JIM
Well, you should have some big Trump money coming in, right? Did you finish up that project in Bedminster?

KEVIN
Yeah, we finished up a few months ago. Let me tell you, Jim, it was an honor. Just being up there. I underbid the project a lot so that Kilkenny Contracting would win the job, but I’m glad I did. It’s going to be great for drumming up extra business just to be able to say I worked for Trump.

JIM
Did you get to meet the big guy?

KEVIN
Nah, I wasn’t that lucky. I saw him a few times in the distance while he was heading out to play golf, but that’s it. He’s too busy fighting the Deep State and Antifa to chat it up with Kevin Kilkenny.

JIM
It’s unbelievable what he has to go through. Still, even if you under-bid your contract, you must’ve gotten a pretty sweet check from a project that big, right?

KEVIN
Soon, soon…still waiting for that check to come in. To be honest, my material suppliers are getting a little restless for their money. I’ll be really glad when the payment finally gets here!

KAREN (O.S.)
Kyle and Becky and the kids are here!!

KYLE, an average/good-looking guy in his mid-30s opens the gate and enters the backyard wearing a disposable mask.

KEVIN
(shouting across the yard)
What the fuck do you have on your face?

Kyle takes his mask off and walks over to his father at the BBQ grill.

KYLE
(laughing)
Just messing with you, Dad. But hey, you guys are old, right? You’re in that vulnerable age group…

KEVIN
Very funny, wise ass!

Kyle’s wife BECKY, an attractive blonde woman in her mid-30s, enters the yard carrying a cake box. Their two blonde children KARL (10 years old) and KAITLIN (8 years old) run into the yard, give Karen a hug, and then run over to give Kevin a hug.

KAREN
(calling to Michelle, O.S.)
Michelle! Your cousins are here! Come out and play with Kaitlin and Karl!

MICHELLE WATERS, a cute bi-racial six-year-old, runs up and the three kids run off together.

EXT. KILKENNY BACKYARD BY THE POOL – DAY

A FEW MINUTES LATER

Karen and Patti are sitting on lounge chairs, drinking bottles of Coors Lite and chatting.

PATTI
Where’s Kaylee today?

KAREN
Oh, she volunteered to work up in a hospital in North Jersey. She’s doing some kind of rotation treating “Covid” patients.
(rolls her eyes)
Can you believe that? She’s actually FALLING for that BS. But we agreed to watch Michelle for her anyway. And people try to say that Trump supporters are prejudiced!
(shaking her head)
That’s so ridiculous!

PATTI
Didn’t you just set Kaylee up on a date with Jenn’s son? He has such pretty blue eyes!

KAREN
Yeah—it ended up being one of those stupid “Zoom” dates. You know. “Covid.”
(rolls her eyes again)
She says she didn’t really like him. Kaylee and her husband separated over a year and a half ago…you’d think she’d be ready to find somebody better by now. I mean, when she first started working at the hospital I thought she’d marry a nice doctor—I didn’t think she’d get with a male nurse. And he’s not exactly what I pictured for her!

PATTI
Once you go black you never go back!

KAREN
God help me! I hope she finds someone else soon though. She’s still young enough to have other kids. But, you know…tick tock!!!

EXT. KILKENNY’S BACKYARD - DAY

Kevin and Jim are still talking, drinking beer, and flipping hot dogs and burgers on the grill. Michelle runs up to her grandfather and tugs his shorts to get his attention.

MICHELLE
Granddad, Kaitlin and Karl keep patting me on the head and calling me fluffyhead!

KEVIN
Ah, they don’t mean anything, Michelle. You’re gonna have to suck it up and get used to it.
(turning to Jim)
Her mother didn’t make it easy for her.
(turning back to Michelle)
If Kaitlin and Karl are bothering you, you can run over to Mr. Monynydyk’s house next door—he has a playground in the back.

MICHELLE
I’m not comfortable with that, Granddad.

KEVIN
What?
MICHELLE
Mommy said to stay away from the house next door. She says he’s not good with kids.

KEVIN
(rolling his eyes)
That’s nuts.
(to Jim)
My neighbor doesn’t even have kids but he built a whole playground in his backyard—he’s THAT nice!
(back to Michelle)
Go ahead over. Mr. Monynydyk already said it was okay. And I say it’s okay. If your mommy has a problem with that, she can talk to me.

MICHELLE
Okay, Granddad.

Michelle runs off-camera.

KEVIN
“I’m not comfortable with that.” Can you BELIEVE that snowflake B.S. coming from a six-year-old?

JIM
(laughing)
You should’ve seen the look on your face when she said that! Priceless!

KEVIN
I can’t believe Kaylee is still hung up about Les Monynydyk. Jesus fucking Christ.

JIM
What’s that about?

KEVIN
Ugh. When Kaylee was about 13 her friend—a real mixed-up kid…you know what I mean—said that Les invited her in his house and started getting touchy/feely or some bullshit. Probably just gave her a pat on the shoulder! The cops came and questioned Les and everything. I felt so bad. It must’ve been awful for him—decent guy. He was a big donor when my cousin Paul ran for State Rep. And then he had to go through hell all because my daughter hangs around with the overly sensitive types. I was so embarrassed.

JIM
That’s horrible. This “Me too” shit has gone too far.

KEVIN
(shaking his head)
You said it.

They take swigs of beer.

INT. LESTER’S BASEMENT – DAY

LESTER MONYNYDYK (LES), a well-to-do man in his 60s, is polishing one of many dolls in his basement room. The room is furnished in an eclectic mix of vaguely sexual items and things that would appeal to kids. At the center of the room, there is a massage table (fairly low to the ground), surrounded by candles. “Artful” nude paintings hang on the wall, and there are shelves featuring an assortment of toys, dolls, video games. There is also a well-stocked liquor shelf, next to bottles of juice. The camera pans around to view several framed photos of Lester with Jeffrey Epstein, Ghislane Maxwell, Alan Derschowitz, etc. A soft, tinkling alarm bell goes off. Les walks over to his window, where he peers out.

INTERCUT TO:

EXT. LESTER’S BACKYARD – DAY

Michelle is swinging on Lester’s swing set.

INTERCUT TO:

INT. LESTER’S BASEMENT – DAY

LES
(smiling and rubbing his hands together in delight)
Still a bit young for my tastes right now…but she can be groomed…

INTERCUT TO:

EXT. LESTER’S BACKYARD – DAY

Michelle sees eyes peering out from the basement window and is disturbed. She gets up off the swing and runs back toward her grandparents’ house.

EXT. KILKENNY’S BACKYARD – EVENING

More guests have arrived. No one is wearing masks or social distancing. Becky and Kyle bring out two cakes with lit candles. Karen and another of the guests, ROCKO, a 60-ish white guy with a gray moustache and beard and a few tattoos, who looks like he might be a biker, are wearing party hats.

KAREN
(to Rocko)
Hey, birthday buddy! Looks like it’s time for us to get our cake on!

Everyone starts singing “happy birthday” to Karen and Rocko. Karen and Rocko blow the candles out (blowing all over the cakes). Becky starts cutting the pieces of cake. Meanwhile, Rocko is sweating, wiping his brow and breathing irregularly.

KEVIN
Hey, what’s the matter, Rocko? You didn’t get the fake China virus, did you? Ha, ha!

ROCKO
Get the fuck outta here. Shutting down the whole fucking country for a few sniffles. Goddamn whole country is nothing but snowflakes these days.

KEVIN
The liberal media is just killing us…and the sheeple who just follow everything they say…

KAREN
(joking)
Oooh, look! Rocko is diseased! Stay away from him! Ha, ha, ha!!! You’re Rock-OVID from now on! Rock-a-Rona Virus!!!

ROCKO
This is the only Corona I have to worry about!
(holding Corona beer)
The Mexican beer trots are bad enough for me!

They all laugh, and then Rocko subtly sits down to catch his breath and takes a swig of beer.

Kyle walks over to his parents, Karen and Kevin, who are standing around talking to Jim and Patti, as they are all eating pieces of cake.

KYLE
(waving to someone offscreen, on the other side of the yard)
Hey, Murph!
(to his dad)
I’m glad the Kilkenny Contracting guys showed up. Where’s Morales?

KEVIN
Well, that’s a whole long story…

KYLE
You know, we FINALLY were able to throw out that quilt Mrs. Morales made for Karl when he was born. He was like frickin’ Linus with that thing until he was eight!

KAREN
Morales was no friend. Did you know he was illegal?

KYLE
Like, undocumented? I mean, I kind of figured…

KEVIN
I can’t believe he suckered your granddad into hiring him—and ME into keeping him for so long. He always seemed like a decent guy, but that was really disgusting of him to take advantage like that.

KYLE
Well, granddad had a soft spot for immigrants, didn’t he? Being from Ireland and all…

KAREN
That’s TOTALLY different!

KYLE
So you fired Morales?

KAREN
Damn right he did! We can’t have ILLEGALS here in our country mooching off the system!

KYLE
He seemed like a good guy.

KAREN
Sure, they all PRETEND to be nice. I think he knew we were onto him. That’s why the other week he invited us to their daughter’s quince…quince…ah what the hell do they call the Sweet Sixteen Mexicans have when they turn 15?

JIM
Whatever.

KAREN
As if THAT would stop us from standing up for America! What if he tried to sneak MORE illegals in? Chain migration! We can’t have that!

KEVIN
He should’ve obeyed the law.

JIM
Damn straight.

KAREN
Hopefully he’s being hauled back down across the border now with the rest of the Mexican illegals!

KEVIN
(giving Karen a pat on the back)
I’m sure President Trump will appreciate the tip you called into ICE.

JIM
You’re a true patriot!

KAREN
Thank you, Jim!

Kyle and Jim continue to talk and eat cake.

KEVIN
(to Karen)
Hey, come here a minute.

Kevin and Karen walk a few steps away so they can speak in private. Kevin pulls out a small, wrapped gift box and hands it to her. She unwraps a small package to find “Q” earrings and a necklace with a “WWG1WGA” charm. She hugs him and wipes a tear from her eye.

KAREN
That’s so thoughtful! Thank you, Kevin! This is such a great birthday gift! It means a lot that you get how important it is to me to help President Trump and save the children!

INT. WHITE HOUSE - DAY

HANDSOME DONALD TRUMP, the fit, young, healthy, energetic and handsome version of Donald Trump that members of Cult 45 imagine him to be (ideal casting: John Cena), recognizable as Donald Trump only by his hair and long red necktie, is leaning forward, sitting against the edge of his desk in the Oval office, with BOB MUELLER, who is as close as possible to the real Bob Mueller, standing in front of him.

BOB MUELLER
Mr. President Trump, sir, I’m a bit confused. Why am I here? Why am I spending time with you like this? Are we supposed to be friends?

HANDSOME TRUMP
You’re such a kidder, Bob Mueller. Of course we’re the best of friends! All the QAnon followers know that!

BOB MUELLER
But, I conducted an entire investigation against you, identifying your campaign’s questionable ties to Russia, and numerous instances of…

Handsome Trump stands up and walks over to Bob Mueller.

HANDSOME TRUMP
Don’t be silly, old man! You exonerated me with that Mueller Report!

BOB MUELLER
Um, actually I didn’t, sir. The report clearly stated that you obst---

Handsome Trump throws his arm around Bob Mueller’s shoulders.

HANDSOME TRUMP
Yes, your report put an end to the Russia hoax! Billy Barr said so himself! I appreciate all you’ve done for me! We really stuck it to Hillary’s elite liberal cabal with that one!

BOB MUELLER
Even if that were true, sir…friends? Isn’t that a bit of a stretch?

HANDSOME TRUMP
You and I are a team, Bob Mueller! An unbeatable crime-fighting duo! Together, we preserve the American way of life and stick it to the evil elite global cabal led by Hillary Clinton and George Soros!

BOB MUELLER
Okay, um…if you say so Mr. President. I guess I’ll just go with it.

HANDSOME TRUMP
(patting Bob Mueller on the back)
Excellent!

STEPHEN MILLER enters the room—he is a tall, handsome man, recognizable as Stephen Miller only by the weird painted-on hair. He’s wearing what appears to be a Nazi uniform. Instead of the swastika, his armband displays four Ts (for Trump) laid out in a circle to resemble a swastika.

HANDSOME TRUMP
Ah, my dear friend Stephen Miller! What’s the report from the southern border, my good man?

STEPHEN MILLER
Unfortunately, Mr. President, until our beautiful wall is finished, the southern border is swarming with criminal caravans filled with MS-13 gang members trying to invade our country and rape our women. I’d like to show you a few recently captured criminals we brought up to DC to question and detain.

ICE AGENTS bring in a YOUNG LATINA MOTHER, hugging her 12-YEAR-OLD BOY. Both are crying.

HANDSOME TRUMP
Stephen? What is this? They appear to be nothing more than desperate refugees!

STEPHEN MILLER
That’s just what the MSM would have you believe, Mr. President. Look again!

Stephen Miller rips off their disguises to show two snarling, tattoo-faced MS-13 GANG MEMBERS.

HANDSOME TRUMP
Egads! Great work there, Stephen! God knows how many innocent patriotic damsels these illegal criminals would’ve raped if you hadn’t been so strong and tough! Lock them away! Unfortunately, our beautiful, beautiful wall—which Mexico is paying for—isn’t done yet. But as White Capitalist Jesus as my witness, that impregnable fortification will soon stretch from sea to shining sea!

INT. MORALES FAMILY’S APARTMENT BUILDING - NIGHT

ICE AGENTS pound on the door.

ICE AGENT 1
Morales! Morales! We know you’re in there! We’re coming in!

The ICE agents barge into the apartment where they find MR. MORALES, MRS. MORALES, and their teenage daughters, 15-year-old LUCIA and 13-year old SELENA huddled together in a corner of a small bedroom.

MR. MORALES
You’re making a mistake! We’ve done nothing wrong!

MRS. MORALES
We’re good people! We’re active in the church—you can ask our pastor!

ICE AGENT 1 yanks Mrs. Morales up and shoves her out the door.

ICE AGENT 1
Your pastor can’t help you now!

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. MORALES FAMILY’S APARTMENT BUILDING - NIGHT

ICE Agents roughly grab each member of the Morales family and shove them out of the apartment toward waiting ICE vehicles.

MR. MORALES
Leave the girls alone! Selena was born in the U.S.! And Lucia has been here since she was two—she doesn’t know another country!

ICE AGENT 2
You should’ve thought of that before you came over here illegally, dirtbag.

The ICE agents pull the two young teenage daughters into one truck and Mr. and Mrs. Morales into another as Mr. and Mrs. Morales scream for their daughters, who are screaming and crying themselves.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. ICE VAN - NIGHT

Inside the van, the ICE agents leer at the young girls as they take them away to god-knows-where.

ICE AGENT 1
We’re going to treat you just fine.

ICE AGENT 2
It would be a real shame if these two pretty girls got lost in the system, wouldn’t it?

EXT. BEDMINSTER GOLF CLUB – DAY

CHYRON: Sunday, August 16, 2020

Kevin, Karen and Michelle pull up to the Bedminster Golf Club in Kevin’s big truck that’s flying the Trump and American flags. They get out of the car outside the security gate. Karen is wearing a Trump shirt, and Kevin is wearing his MAGA hat.

KAREN
O.M.G.! I can’t believe I’m finally here at Bedminster! I always wanted to come up and visit you when you were working.

KEVIN
I told you—don’t get your hopes up. I don’t think we can get in. I just want to see if we can talk to the facilities guy about my payment.

KAREN
Well, I’m glad I finally have the chance to see this place in person!
(Looking around)
It’s gorgeous! It just makes me so proud that we finally have someone with this much class in the White House again!

Kevin, Karen and Michelle walk over to a white guy in his 50s, TONY, supervising some landscapers outside the entrance gate. Tony sees Kevin, walks over and shakes his hand.

TONY
What brings you up to the North side of Jersey? Finally have a craving for some Taylor Ham?

KEVIN
Get outta here! It’s pork roll all the way for me! I just figured I’d pop up here. Nice day for a drive. I wanted to check on the status of my payment—it’s been almost 6 months now, so I’m kinda spread thin.

TONY
Yeah, sorry, I got your emails and the copies of your invoices…they’ve been sent up the chain for approval. But I’ll follow up again. I know the Trumps want to take care of you for the great job you did, so I’m sure you’ll see it soon.

KEVIN
Thanks, Tony. I appreciate it.

TONY
You know, if the Trumps didn’t have this Covid-bullshit and so many riots and anarchists to deal with, they could probably pay more attention to the family business, but you know how it goes…

KEVIN
I know. It’s unreal how much bullshit Trump has to deal with all the time.

KAREN
(to Michelle)
Michelle, do you know where we are? The President owns this place! The greatest man in the world!

MICHELLE
That’s a big house.

KAREN
Yeah, this is the American Dream—if you’re really smart and work really hard, you can be rich too!

INT. KEVIN’S TRUCK - DAY

Kevin is driving his truck, with Karen next to him and Michelle in a child’s seat in the back seat.

INTERCUT TO:

EXT. PROTEST OUTSIDE THE TRUCK NEAR BEDMINSTER - DAY

A multi-cultural group of a few dozen protesters with Black Lives Matter, Don the Con, and assorted protest signs and rainbow flags are lined up on one side of the road, chanting protest slogans. A few protesters are dressed as handmaids. The big Trump Baby Balloon flies in the air next to them.

INTERCUT TO:

INT. KEVIN’S TRUCK - DAY

KAREN
What the hell??? I can’t believe Antifa is HERE attacking the President at his OWN golf club! This is treason!

KEVIN
No other president in history has had to go through what Trump goes through! It’s bullshit like this that’s keeping the Trumps from cutting my check.

MICHELLE
(looking at the Trump baby balloon)
Who’s that?

KEVIN
Don’t pay attention to that, Michelle. Those lowlife liberals just think they’re being funny.

MICHELLE
But who is that big mean orange baby?
KAREN
It’s disgusting that a child has to see this…this PERVERSION!

MICHELLE
It looks like Trump.

KAREN
Don’t be ridiculous! It looks NOTHING at all like the president!

MICHELLE
Okay. What do the signs say?

KEVIN
They say that these lowlifes want to loot and riot and destroy our country!

INTERCUT TO:

EXT. PROTEST OUTSIDE THE TRUCK NEAR BEDMINSTER - DAY

PROTESTERS
Show me what democracy looks like! This is what democracy looks like!

INTERCUT TO:

INT. KEVIN’S TRUCK - DAY

MICHELLE
The signs don’t say that…it starts with a B. B…L…A…C…

KAREN
When did you get so good at spelling?

MICHELLE
Does that say “black?”

KAREN
Yeah, yeah, it does…

MICHELLE
What else does it say? L…I…V

KAREN
(rolling her eyes)
It says black lives matter.

MICHELLE
Oh.
(pause)
Why does that make you mad?

INTERCUT TO:

EXT. PROTEST OUTSIDE THE TRUCK NEAR BEDMINSTER - DAY

PROTESTERS
Show me what democracy looks like! This is what democracy looks like!

Kevin’s truck pulls up closer to where the protesters are standing at the side of the road. Kevin sneers at the crowd, sticks his hand out the window, gives them the middle finger and hits the gas. Some protesters give the finger back and others start yelling as his truck starts to speed away.

KEVIN
Trump 2020!!! Fuck you, Antifa losers!!!

With Kevin still focused on the protesters, he doesn’t see the ditch ahead of him, and drives off the road, barely missing a few protesters, and then hitting a tree in the ditch.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. CRASHED TRUCK NEAR BEDMINSTER - DAY

Kevin, Karen and Michelle are outside the truck, where the front seat airbags have deployed. Some of the protesters start approaching the truck, filming with their phones. An obnoxiously large Hummer limo then screeches up and cuts off the approaching protesters, blocking their path. Bedminster security guards arrive and usher the crowd away from the crash scene. The window of the backseat of the Hummer limousine rolls down, to reveal TRAVIS HOWELL, an obnoxious 20-something trust fund kid.

TRAVIS
You, sir, are a true patriot! It’s a shame you didn’t hit any of those rioters!
(He takes a quick glance back to the crowd).
Well, maybe you scored a superficial hit on one, but it’s no big deal.

KEVIN
What has this country come to when a patriot is attacked by Antifa just for waving the flag of the fucking president of the United States of America? Outside the president’s OWN fuckin’ golf club?

TRAVIS
It’s treason.

KEVIN
My truck is trashed. It was a brand-new truck.

TRAVIS
Look, you should get out of here before this Antifa crowd gets any closer.

KEVIN
Where can I go without my truck?

TRAVIS
I’m a member at Bedminster. I’ll have security get your truck towed for you and sorted out. You three can hop in my limo and I’ll take you out of the area before these animals start attacking.

KAREN
Hey—you look familiar. Have I seen you on the internet?

TRAVIS
I was wondering when you’d recognize me. My YouTube show is very popular with patriots.

KAREN
Oh my gosh! Howelling at the Libs, right?

KEVIN
Oh yeah! Love your show, man. It’s nice to hear a young person make so much sense!

TRAVIS
(reaching out to shake Kevin’s hand)
Travis Howell. Nice to meet you.

KAREN
Tell those libs what’s up! A-WOOOOO!!!!

KEVIN
A-WOOOO!!!

TRAVIS
Some people might call me a provocateur, but I just lay out the truth the way it is—even if it makes liberals cry.

KEVIN
Great work…it really is.

TRAVIS
So important. I’m glad to meet people from all generations who agree with me.

KEVIN
I’m Kevin Kilkenny, and this is my wife Karen.

TRAVIS
Nice alliteration.

KEVIN
Oh, and this is our granddaughter, Michelle.

KAREN
Yeah, our daughter was married to a black guy. But they split up.

Travis nods.

KAREN (CONT’D)
And people try to call Trump supporters “racist!” Ridiculous!

TRAVIS
Liberal projection. So where are you heading? We should get away from these violent rioters.

KEVIN
That’s very decent of you, thanks. We came all the way up from South Jersey, near Philly, so I don’t know where you could take….

TRAVIS
Actually, I’m heading down to D.C. now, so I could drop you off in South Jersey on the way. I enjoy talking to real people and getting their insight.

KAREN
Really? You’d take us in your limo all the way home?

TRAVIS
We patriots look out for each other.

KEVIN
We really appreciate it.

KAREN
Wow! We get to ride in a limo with YouTube star Travis Howell! This is our lucky day!!! A-WOOOO!!!

INT. TRAVIS HOWELL’S LIMO – DAY

Travis pours Karen and Kevin some Dom Perignon.

MICHELLE
This is a big car! It has a TV!

TRAVIS
Yeah, this is a sweet ride…need to travel in style when you’re hosting a big political event. I’m setting up a “Blacks for Trump” event in D.C. the week of the RNC.
(looks at Michelle.)
You should head down with your granddaughter. We could use a little more dark meat in our crowds, to be honest.

KAREN
It’s horrible that so many blacks are brainwashed into thinking that Democrats are better for them!

KEVIN
Exactly! Blacks have never had it better than under Trump! They had JOBS! Sometimes even two or three!

TRAVIS
True, true. That’s why it’s so disappointing that the turnout for my Blacks for Trump tends to be super pale. But we have a few tricks up our sleeve to drum up some darker attendance. A-WOOOO!!!

KAREN AND KEVIN
(in unison)
A-WOOOO!!!!

Michelle looks at them quizzically.

KAREN
Can I go to the Blacks for Trump event too? I can identify as black, right? After all, according to the libs, there’s no such thing as race or gender!
(laughs)

TRAVIS
True.

Travis notices Karen’s WWG1WGA charm and Q earrings.

TRAVIS (CONT’D)
Where we go one, we go all!

KAREN AND KEVIN
(in unison)
Where we go one, we go all!

TRAVIS
So, do you two bake? Follow the Q-drops?

KEVIN
I do a little…Karen’s the one who’s really active on a big Q Facebook group. You have a lot of people following your posts, don’t you, babe?
(to Travis)
Karen’s opinions get a ton of comments.

KAREN
I just want to do whatever I can to help President Trump!

TRAVIS
So important…so important…

Travis starts cutting lines of coke on a table in the backseat of the limo.

KEVIN
Um, uh….is that okay?

TRAVIS
Yeah, yeah…you ski?

KEVIN
No, man, not my bag. The occasional reefer is as far as I ever go with that stuff. Ah…maybe we should turn on the TV for Michelle?

TRAVIS
Oh yeah, cool. But, really, she’s probably seen worse than this, right?

He clicks the TV on with the remote, finds a cartoon, and then proceeds to do lines.

TRAVIS
A-WOOO!!!! So, what do you think of Q? I analyze the drops on my show sometimes. Always good to get feedback.

KAREN
Q is such a patriot! One good thing about being CANCELLED from my job a few months ago just because I wasn’t “politically correct” is that I can spend more time analyzing the Q drops! I see that Q dropped another clue yesterday! What do you think it means?

TRAVIS
I couldn’t say…but I’d be very curious to hear your thoughts.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. WITCH HILLARY’S LAIR – EVENING

Witch Hillary, Warlock Bill, Zombie Podesta, Ghoulish George Soros, and assorted ghouls and Antifa members are kneeling and bowing in a circle by torchlight around a giant statue of Satan. A pizza pie is on the floor in front of them. The children chained to the walls moan and cry. Witch Hillary sits up on her knees and raises a large knife high above her head. The others around the circle continue bowing.

WITCH HILLARY
O Beelzebub! We worship you! Give us unlimited power and pizza and we will work tirelessly to usher in a new world of evil!!! We offer this sacrifice to show our devotion!

Witch Hillary violently stabs the extraordinarily juicy pizza, which causes pizza sauce to splatter all over all the ghouls in the circle as the chained children shriek. They then all start ravenously digging into the pizza, clawing it into pieces and shoving it in their mouths piece by dismembered piece as pizza sauce splatters all over their faces. Once the frenzy of the pizza orgy is done, Witch Hillary and Zombie Podesta stand up as the rest of the ghouls continue lustily licking the pizza sauce from the floor.

WITCH HILLARY
(daintily dabbing the pizza sauce from around her mouth with a kerchief)
Now that we’ve fulfilled our duty to Beelzebub, we need to concentrate on the practical matter of procuring more pizza children for ourselves and our global cabal.

ZOMBIE PODESTA
(wiping a big glob of pizza sauce from his face, and then licking his fingers)
Yes, my queen. What are your thoughts?

WITCH HILLARY
Patriotic Christians have been stubbornly resistant to our Covid hoax so far…I know a way we can make them PAY for their obstinance, and solve our pizza shortage too.

ZOMBIE PODESTA
How so, my brilliant queen?

WITCH HILLARY
These god-fearing patriots are still having their Christian gatherings, and even better….they’re still sending their beautiful, sexy pizza children to religious camp! In fact, there’s a camp in Georgia that has fully opened, letting the children enjoy fun and games and group activities! All those delicious, sexy children in one place!

CHILDREN
Won’t someone please save the children???

Witch Hillary walks over to a giant crystal ball and gazes into it. The crystal ball shows footage of children laughing and playing at camp. Witch Hillary cackles maniacally.

WITCH HILLARY
(turns back to Podesta)
We shall send our most qualified minions to break into the children’s camp and take for us all that we deserve…all that will give us satisfaction and everlasting life! Send in my latest recruits!

Antifa members leap and hop into the room, accompanied by dark-skinned Latin Americans, led by a militant Morales.

WITCH HILLARY
I’m glad you’ve arrived and you’re joining our forces, Morales.

MORALES
What are our instructions, Senora?
(In this cartoon universe, Morales has a much heavier Mexican accent than in real life.)

WITCH HILLARY
You and the other Mexicans can take the lead on breaking into the children’s camp. It should be easy for you—you have proven yourselves to be adept at scaling the insurmountable Trump wall!

MORALES
I flew into the country in 2007 on US Air, Senora.

WITCH HILLARY
No matter! I know you can still lead this band of rapists and drug dealers and scale the walls of that Christian camp. And then you and your dark-skinned caravan are to bring me delicious white Christian children so I can fulfill my perverse urges and live forever!!!

MORALES
It would be my honor, Senora. Revenge on the gringos will be sweet.

Major Quimby is listening to all of this from behind a wall. He puts down his 1999 copy of “George” Magazine and starts typing out cryptic clues on his phone.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. TRAVIS HOWELL’S LIMO – EVENING

TRAVIS
Okaaaaaay. Not the interpretation I was expecting, but good job! Entirely, 100% plausible. Where do you bake the crumbs? Which group?

KAREN
It’s the Q Patriot Militia group. On Facebook. You should join!

TRAVIS
I hadn’t been monitoring that one, but I’ll check it out.

KEVIN
It’s a private group though.

TRAVIS
Yeah, I think I’ll get in.

KAREN
Kevin, we need to try to stop Hillary and the pedophile cabal from hurting those kids!

KEVIN
What? What are you saying?

KAREN
Let’s go down to Georgia and guard the children’s camp!

KEVIN
What?

TRAVIS
That sounds like EXACTLY what you should do. The next time I see President Trump, I’ll tell him about your bravery.

KEVIN
Well, I don’t have any wheels right now, and your car is kind of small, but…

KAREN
We can just rent a car! Why shouldn’t we go? I’m not working! This Corona hoax means that you don’t have any big projects right now. Let’s go on a patriotic road trip to save Trump and save the children!

TRAVIS
Where we go one, we go all!

KAREN AND KEVIN
(in unison)
Where we go one, we go all!

INT. WHITE HOUSE – DAY

Handsome Trump and Bob Mueller are pacing around the Oval Office.

HANDSOME TRUMP
Q has just dropped a clue…it seems like a dire warning, but I can’t pinpoint exactly what it’s about.

BOB MUELLER
Mr. President, if I may ask…why doesn’t Q just pick up the phone and call you and tell you what you need to know? Why does he insist on dropping cryptic clues publicly on the internet?

HANDSOME TRUMP
Oh, don’t be ridiculous, Bob Mueller! That could never work! Q would give himself away and put himself in grave danger if the messages weren’t cleverly coded. Besides, Q knows that—even if I don’t immediately decode all of his clues myself—the QAnon bakers are so savvy and intelligent that they can ascertain the true meaning behind the crumbs.

BOB MUELLER
But it seems like there really should be an easier way…

HANDSOME TRUMP
(looking at his phone)
Like right now….one of the bakers in the Q Patriot Militia Facebook group, Karen Kilkenny, seems to have an intriguing interpretation. I’ve been following her for a while. Her interpretations are as logical as they are insightful!

EXT. KILKENNY’S HOUSE - EVENING

Travis’s limo driver drops the Kilkennys off at their suburban McMansion, with its Trump swag swaying in the breeze. It’s early evening, and the sun is starting to set. Kevin, Karen and Michelle exit the limo and turn around to say goodbye to Travis.

KEVIN
Thanks again for the lift!

KAREN
And thanks for the Dom Perignon!

TRAVIS
Great talking to real American patriots!

KAREN
Where we go one, we go all!

KEVIN
Where we go one, we go all!

TRAVIS
Where we go one, we go all!

MICHELLE
Bye, Mr. Howl!

Travis’s limo pulls away. Lester Monynydyk, who was gardening out front, walks over to them.

LES
You certainly came home in style! I saw you leaving in your truck this morning…

KEVIN
Yeah, long story…we got attacked by Antifa outside of President Trump’s golf club in Bedminster.

LES
That’s horrible! I hope you’re all okay!

Les gazes over at Michelle, who is hiding behind her grandmom’s legs.

KEVIN
Yeah, we’re fine. The truck is damaged though.

KAREN
But Travis Howell gave us a ride in his limo! He has a YouTube show—Howelling at the Libs! He tells you what’s REALLY going on!

KEVIN
It was nice to ride home from Bedminster in style! Travis is a great guy too.

KAREN
He knows a lot about Q and Hillary’s child sex trafficking ring.

LES
Is that so?

KAREN
Yeah…he thinks I’m right that Killary is going to attack a Christian children’s camp and abduct the children for the cabal. Pedophiles!!!

LES
Really? Is that right?

KAREN
Isn’t that disgusting???

KEVIN
Karen wants us to take a road trip to Georgia to try to stop it. Travis thought that would be a good idea.

LES
A road trip to a children’s camp?

KEVIN
Yeah…but I’m not sure how we can do that now that Antifa trashed my truck. Karen’s little sports car would be an uncomfortable ride all the way down to Georgia.

LES
Well…I think going on a mission to snatch children…away from harm…sounds very important. I haven’t taken my RV out in a while, and it could use some time on the highway. Should we all go together?

KAREN
That would be great!

KEVIN
Really, Les? I mean, you wouldn’t mind? I’ve always wanted to go on a trip in an RV. That looks like one sweet ride!

LES
I could be ready to go tomorrow morning.

KAREN
(to Kevin)
Can we go?
We could be doing so much good! For President Trump! And for the Children!

KEVIN
(Pausing for a moment)
I don’t see why not. Road trip!
(Looks over at Lester’s RV)
Before we leave, we’ll need to Trump this baby up! I have some extra flags in the garage. Boo-YAH!

Karen gives Kevin a big hug. Michelle is still hiding behind Karen’s leg.

INT. LESTER’S RV - DAY

CHYRON: Monday, August 17, 2020

In the back of the RV, Karen, Kevin and Michelle are passing the time as the scenery goes by as they drive south.

MICHELLE
We’re going to save the children?

KAREN
That’s right, honey! We’re going to be heroes!

MICHELLE
What children? What are their names?

KAREN
Well, um…I don’t know, exactly…

MICHELLE
How old are they? Are they big kids or little kids?

KEVIN
We’ll see when we find them!

MICHELLE
Are their mommies and daddies looking for them too?

KAREN
I…I’m sure they are.

MICHELLE
How will we know them when we see them?

KEVIN
Oh, we’ll know. Here…
(handing Michelle a book)
…read your fairy tale. Let us grownups worry about the grownup stuff.

Kevin gets a call and picks up his cell phone.

KEVIN (INTO DEVICE)
Hey Murph. What’s going on?...Really?...Well did you tell him that we’re still waiting to get paid for the Bedminster job ourselves?...Oh Christ…Just try to stall them, okay? I can’t pay them if I don’t have the money.

Kevin puts his phone down and puts his hands over his face.

KAREN
What’s that about?

KEVIN
It’s just…one of my vendors is threatening to take us to court if we don’t pay them. But I can’t pay them until the Bedminster money shows up.

KAREN
Don’t they understand we’re all trying to fight Antifa?

KEVIN
Fighting Antifa doesn’t pay the bills.

MICHELLE
Who’s Auntie Fa and why is she fighting?

KAREN
It’s not a person, Michelle, it’s an organized group of traitors that’s trying to destroy the President!

MICHELLE
That sounds funny, Grandmom.

INTERCUT TO:

EXT. PARKING LOT – DAY

Lester’s Trumped-out RV pulls into the parking lot of a strip mall somewhere in Virginia and pulls into a space. Karen holds Michelle’s hand as they exit the RV and walk into a supermarket for supplies.

INTERCUT TO:

INT. SUPERMARKET - DAY

Karen and Michelle, not wearing masks, walk around the grocery store aisles.

KAREN
What would you like for the road trip? Any ice cream? I think grandmom needs some aspirin…I’m not feeling all that great. I must be having some more hot flashes!

Karen and Michelle walk around the store, picking up snacks, and Karen picks up a bottle of Trump wine.

KAREN
Ooooh! Look at this, Michelle! I’ve never had Trump wine before…I can’t wait to try it! I’ll bet it’s delicious!

STORE EMPLOYEE, a young black woman who is wearing a mask but who has some kind of distinguishing hairstyle that will be recognizable later, walks up to Karen and Michelle.

STORE EMPLOYEE
Excuse me, Ma’am. Could you put on a mask? I have one I can give you right here.

KAREN
Excuse me!!!

STORE EMPLOYEE
Just so we all can comply with the law and protect everyone’s health.

INTERCUT TO:

INT. WITCH HILLARY’S LAIR – NIGHT

WITCH HILLARY
(staring straight at the camera—essentially talking straight to Karen)
MWAH, HAH, HAH!!! We’ll scare the FOOLS into wearing masks and running scared, which cripples Donald’s beautiful economy! And the sheeple will go right along with it!
(cackles)

GHOULISH GEORGE SOROS
(staring straight at the camera—essentially talking straight to Karen, rubbing his hands together)
Once we finally succeed in our mission to destroy Donald Trump, no one will be able to stop us from unleashing our twisted desires and mayhem!

WITCH HILLARY
We shall set Antifa loose and leave the country in tatters, as we humiliate Donald as he humiliated me!! All we have to do is convince them all to wear masks!!!

INTERCUT TO:

INT. OVAL OFFICE – DAY

Handsome Trump sits at the desk in the oval office, leaning forward.

HANDSOME TRUMP
(staring straight at the camera—essentially talking straight to Karen)
Patriotic Americans! I need you to stay strong and fight the ghoulish fiends who want you to destroy the economy by wearing masks. Will you do what you can to help keep America great? Can I count on you?

INTERCUT TO:

INT. SUPERMARKET - DAY

KAREN
Don’t give me that, “protect everyone’s health” load of crap! That’s not what this is about…You want me to turn against my President! But I’m a REAL American!

STORE EMPLOYEE
We just need you to respect…

KAREN
I need YOU to respect!!!! There is no such thing as Covid! The China Virus was created in a Chinese lab to try to hurt Donald Trump, and I’m not stupid enough to go along with that! I don’t care what the Deep State/MSM has to say!

MICHELLE
(starting to get upset)
Please Grandmom…Mommy says masks keep us from getting sick.

KAREN
No, Michelle! That’s not what this is about! This is about FREEDOM! American Freedom! I won’t live in FEAR! I won’t just give up my freedom because a bunch of liberal pedophile child traffickers tell me to! NEVER!

STORE EMPLOYEE
If you don’t put on a mask or leave, I’m going to have to call the police.

A few other masked employees come over to try to lead Karen out of the store, so she defiantly starts hurling the groceries that were in her basket at them. A few customers are filming on their phones.

KAREN
This is MY country! AMERICA! You can’t tell me what to do! MAGA!!!

INT. LESTER’S RV – DAY

Karen enters the RV, looking frazzled, as Kevin and Lester sit on the couch and chair, watching TV.

KEVIN
Where’s the grub?

KAREN
You wouldn’t BELIEVE what I had to go through! It was horrible! Those mask Nazis threw me out of the store just because I’m not afraid of the China virus hoax. Do you believe that??? But I showed them! I stood up for patriots and for President Trump! You would’ve been proud of me, hun! Wait…OH MY GOD!

Karen searches her pockets.

KEVIN
What? Did you lose something?

KAREN
My wallet! It must’ve fallen out while I was being attacked! That derelict store clerk probably stole it from me! She looked like someone with no respect for anyone else’s property!

There’s a knock on the door of the RV. Kevin opens the door to see Michelle, wearing a mask, holding two bags of groceries and Karen’s wallet.

MICHELLE
I picked up our groceries and bought them with your money, grandmom. But they didn’t let me buy the wine.

KAREN
Oh thanks, Michelle. That’s okay there’s no wine. But man, I really need a beer. I just need to unwind after that ordeal.

Karen cracks open a Coors light and sits down in the “living room” of the RV and switches the TV channels.

KAREN
Oh, nice, I didn’t think I’d find an episode of “Jeopardy” now.

KEVIN
Les, you want a beer?

LES
I think I’ll get myself a scotch. 12 years old. Perfect. Michelle, dear, will you bring me a small glass from the cabinet beside you?

Michelle pulls out a glass and walks over to Lester.

KAREN
(watching Jeopardy and guzzling beer)
Appleseed! D’oh! Wrong!

MICHELLE
Here you go, Mr. Mo..Mony…modick.

KEVIN
It’s Mr. Monynydyk, Michelle. You can say it.

LES
(to Michelle)
Oh, you can just call me Lester.

KEVIN
That’s mighty nice of you, Les, but Karen and I are old school. We want our grandkids to respect their elders. I’d like her to call you “Mr.”

KAREN
(watching Jeopardy)
Wattle! Ugh! No!

LES
Very admirable, yes. But Monynydyk is quite a mouthful. It’s too long for most girls to handle until they’re just a little bit older. How about she just concentrates on the tip…is it okay if she calls me Mr. Mo?

KEVIN
Sure, that works. You can call him Mr. Mo, can’t you, Michelle?

KAREN
(watching Jeopardy)
Under…under…D’oh! I almost had it!

MICHELLE
Mr. Mo….Lester Mo…

KAREN
Man, I really suck at anagrams. Give me “Potant Potables” any day! Ha!

INT. HOSPITAL - NIGHT

KAYLEE KILKENNY, an attractive white woman in her early 30s, takes off some of her PPE as she goes into the hospital doctors/nurses’ breakroom. She looks at her phone and sees that she has tons of missed texts and phone calls.

KAYLEE
(to herself)
Why is Eli blowing up my phone?

She appears alarmed as she looks at her phone. She clicks on a link to a video, which shows footage of her mother’s supermarket freak-out, with her daughter running around, pleading with her. Kaylee does an exhausted facepalm, then calls her mother.

SPLIT SCREEN – INT. HOSPITAL/INT. RV - NIGHT

KAYLEE
Mom?

KAREN
(cheerful)
Hi Kalyee!

KAYLEE
Where are you?

KAREN
What? Um…why?

KAYLEE
Why? Maybe because you’re all over the internet having a psychotic episode and assaulting grocery clerks in Virginia! In front of my daughter!

KAREN
I’m on the internet?

KAYLEE
YES! Everything is on the internet now! You look like you should be in an insane asylum!

KAREN
That’s ridiculous—I was just standing up for my rights. No one is going to tell ME I have to go along with this ridiculous hoax!

KAYLEE
Mom, I just spent the past week and a half working 16-hour shifts taking care of people who were dying of Covid! I held the hands of three different people when they died!

KAREN
They just want you to THINK it was Covid!

KAYLEE
Who? Who wants me to think that?

KAREN
The Deep State. Killary. You KNOW, but you just don’t want to believe!

KAYLEE
(rolling her eyes)
Where’s Michelle? Can I talk to her?

KAREN
Um….ah…

KAYLEE
Where IS she??? You didn’t LOSE her, right?

KAREN
Don’t be ridiculous…hold on a second…Michelle!

Michelle walks up to Karen, who hands her the phone.

MICHELLE
Mommy?

KAYLEE
Hi, sweetie! It’s so good to hear your voice! I miss you!

MICHELLE
I miss you too, Mommy!

KAYLEE
I love you sweetheart! How are you?

MICHELLE
I’m good. Karl and Katie called my fluffyhead at the party, but then we had strawberry shortcake.

KAYLEE
A party? Now? How many people were….? Nevermind…where are you now, honey?

MICHELLE
Mr. Mo’s big truck. He has lots of toys here. We’re going to save the children tomorrow!

KAYLEE
WHAT???

Karen grabs the phone back from Michelle.

KAREN
So, you can tell we’re taking good care of Michelle. She really loved the cake!

KAYLEE
Why are you in a truck and who is “Mr. Mo?” It’s not Mr. Monynydyk, is it? IS IT???

KAREN
Um…uh…no, no, don’t be silly…Mr. Mo is…is…Mr. Morales.

KAYLEE
Dad’s job foreman?

KAYLEE
Yeah, you always liked him, right?

KAYLEE
Yeah, but that’s a little weird…

KAREN
Oh, Michelle is fine…she’s having a great time! You heard her!

KAYLEE
I’m coming to get her. I’m exhausted, but I can be at your house first thing tomorrow morning.

KAREN
Um…uh…I thought you had to quarantine for two weeks after working in the Covid ward? Aha! So there IS no danger of Covid—it’s just an excuse!

KAYLEE
They just gave me a Covid test. I tested negative, so it’s all good.

KAREN
Well isn’t THAT convenient.

KAYLEE
I’ll see you tomorrow morning.

KAREN
Um….well…you can’t!

KAYLEE
Why?

KAREN
I thought your dad and I were supposed to take care of her for the next two weeks! We can’t just change our plans now! We’re going the other direction. You’re so SELFISH!

KAYLEE
What? What are your plans? Assault more grocery clerks??? Gain more internet fame as the latest maskless MAGA lunatic?

KAREN
You’re just DETERMINED to not understand! If you could ever break out of your libtard bubble and see what’s going on you’d be GRATEFUL for what we’re doing! Take the red pill, Kaylee! Take the red pill!

KAYLEE
Mom, I just want Michelle back. That’s all I want.

KAREN
As soon as we’re done what we need to do.

Karen hangs up.

INT. HOSPITAL - NIGHT

Kaylee gives herself a few seconds to pull herself together, and then calls her ex-husband ELI WATERS—Eli is a good-looking black man in his early 30s. He picks up immediately.

SPLIT SCREEN – INT. HOSPITAL/INT. ELI’S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Eli is pacing around his apartment. His Olde English Bulldog NELSON sits on the couch watching him.

ELI
What the fuck, Kaylee? What the fuck? What is Michelle doing with your insane mother in Virginia?

KAYLEE
I know, I know…I’m sorry…the hospital asked me to pick up a week-long Covid rotation in North Jersey…it was sudden…I knew you were at the tail end of your Covid duty so I took her to my parents…I told them to keep her home. I know they love her, but…God…I’m sorry…it’s awful.

ELI
Where is Michelle now? I need to go get her away from them. NOW!

KAYLEE
I just talked to her right before I called you…she sounds fine…

ELI
Where is she? I tried to call your mom and dad but they won’t pick up for me.

KAYLEE
I know, I know…I…I’m trying to figure that out.

ELI
You don’t know where they are? Are they still in Virginia?

KAYLEE
I think so…for now…

ELI
What the fuck is going on?

KAYLEE
They thought they were going to have Michelle for another week or two…so they took her on a road trip. They’re on some kind of mission!

ELI
Where? I got my negative Covid test and I’m good to go. I’ll hit the road RIGHT NOW if you tell me where to find her!

KAYLEE
(starting to cry)
I don’t know! Virginia, somewhere, I guess…she hung up on me! I’m sorry! I know they’re lunatics! That video! Just…horrifying! Michelle sounded okay. But I want her back. I thought they could be normal grandparents for a few weeks and help me!

ELI
When have they ever helped you?

KAYLEE
Oh, please don’t start.

ELI
Fine.
(pause)
I’ll drive south. I want to be as close as possible so I can just get her when we figure out where they are.

KAYLEE
That’s what I was thinking too. They can’t be too far away from where that video was taken this afternoon.

ELI
Okay. I’ll plan to head down to Virginia tomorrow morning.

KAYLEE
I’m going too. I want to find her. Should we go together?

ELI
(pauses)
Two drivers are better than one. And maybe you’ll be able to your parents on the phone.

KAYLEE
Thanks. I can be down to your place by about 9 tomorrow morning. I need to go to bed for a few hours. I’m exhausted.

ELI
(kindly)
Okay. Get some sleep, KayKay. I’ll see you tomorrow.

INT. ELI’S CAR – DAY

CHYRON: Tuesday, August 18, 2020

Eli is in the driver’s seat, and Kaylee is in the passenger’s seat. Nelson is in the back poking his head into the front seat, excitedly licking Kaylee’s face, wagging his little stump of a tail and happily whimpering.

KAYLEE
NELSON! I missed you so much! Good boy!!!

ELI
Okay, Nelson, stop slobbering all over your mommy and get in the back seat.

Nelson calms down a little bit and stays in the back seat. Eli grabs an envelope on the dashboard, which he moves to the compartment by the door.

ELI
The divorce papers got here yesterday.

KAYLEE
I was going to ask you if you got them, but there was so much else going on…

ELI
Yeah. If we can find a notary somewhere along the line I can sign them and get this over with.

The car pulls out of the parking spot and hits the road.

ELI
Should we call the cops?

KAYLEE
I’ve thought about it, but…that would mean they’d put out an Amber alert…and then would we have to press charges? I wouldn’t want to go that far. I know Michelle is okay.

ELI
You give your parents way too much credit.

KAYLEE
Do we have to go into this again? There’s no point.

ELI
What do you mean there’s no point? They took our daughter across state lines without our permission. Jesus, I thought when we split up and I moved down to Delaware that I’d be done with those MAGA freaks for good, but here we are.

KAYLEE
I know, I know…and I don’t know how many more times I have to apologize for them. But they’re a part of who I am.

ELI
You’re an adult, Kaylee. They don’t have to fuck up your life unless you keep letting them. But you made your choice.

KAYLEE
Can we just focus on something productive? Like figuring out where we’re going?

ELI
Yeah, fine…the Twitterverse told me which grocery store it is in Virginia, and the address is already plugged into my GPS. We should be there in about three hours.

KAYLEE
Sounds like a good start.

ELI
When you talked to your mom, did she give you any other ideas of where they’re going?

KAYLEE
Not really—she just mentioned some vague mission.

ELI
What the hell could their mission be?

KAYLEE
I don’t know…since my mom has been out of work and my dad’s business has been slow, I think they’ve been sucked into the QAnon conspiracy garbage.

ELI
Like, pizzagate bullshit? Why am I not surprised? That sounds right up their alley.

KAYLEE
MAGAt’s beard.

ELI
What?

KAYLEE
That’s what I call Trumpian logic—the opposite of Occam’s Razor. Instead of assuming that the most straightforward, direct explanation is the correct one, the MAGA crowd always jumps to the most illogical explanation that requires a ridiculously improbable chain of events, luck, omnipotence, and layers and layers of conspiracy.

ELI
MAGAt’s beard. Yeah, that sounds about right. What about Facebook? Has she checked in anywhere?

KAYLEE
I unfriended my parents in 2016, remember?

ELI
Oh, right.

KAYLEE
I just sent them new friend requests last night, but so far they haven’t accepted.

ELI
This is crazy. Like, batshit.

KAYLEE
I’m trying to get into the QAnon group that they always talk about…the Q Patriot Militia…to see if they’ve posted anything there. But it’s a private group, and they haven’t accepted me—I think my profile is too obviously liberal.

ELI
(pauses)
Maybe we should set up a fake account.

KAYLEE
That’s not a bad idea.

INT: WITCH HILLARY’S LAIR - DAY

Witch Hillary is in a big bathtub in the middle of the room, taking a blood/pizza sauce bath….she licks her fingers. Zombie Podesta, Warlock Bill and Ghoulish George Soros are also in the room. Witch Hillary starts slurping the pizza sauce in the bath.

WITCH HILLARY
More pizza blood equals more immortality! Ha, ha, ha!!!
(to Zombie Podesta)
Podesta, have you heard any news about the pizza snatching operation at the Christian Camp in Georgia?

ZOMBIE PODESTA
Not yet, my queen.

WITCH HILLARY
I have a nagging suspicion that Donald Trump might be onto our devious plot. That Q drop may have tipped him off!

GHOULISH GEORGE SOROS
But that was so vague…no one could possibly have guessed that to mean that we were planning a mass kidnapping for our trafficking organization!

WITCH HILLARY
I’m not so sure…you underestimate the Facebook bakers. There’s a particularly astute baker—Karen Kilkenny—who has come close to foiling me several times before. If President Trump monitors the same Facebook groups—and I don’t see why he wouldn’t—he may have seen her interpretation of Q’s latest clue and recognized its brilliance!

CHILDREN
Save the Children!

ZOMBIE PODESTA
What shall we do, my queen? The Mexican caravan should be near the campsite now. Should I call them off?

WITCH HILLARY
No, no! We desperately need a fresh supply—I need to bathe in pizza blood to assure that I can reign eternally! No….what we need to do instead is to give President Trump a distraction.

GHOULISH GEORGE SOROS
Like what?

ZOMBIE PODESTA
Just say the word and it will be done!

WITCH HILLARY
We shall send my Antifa minions on the attack!

Witch Hillary turns to the Antifa ninjas who are at the perimeter of the room.

WITCH HILLARY (CONT’D)
Fly to Portland! Protest! Loot! Riot! Cause as much trouble as you can so that Trump is forced to focus his attention there, on the other side of the country! Go forth and cause mayhem!!!

The Antifa ninjas get themselves hyped, cheering and jumping around even more excitedly. Then they run out of the room.

INT. LESTER’S RV – DAY

Karen and Michelle enter the RV. Karen has had her hair done—she basically just touched up her “Karen” hairstyle. Michelle’s hair is completely different—it has been straightened and lightened.

KAREN
Look at our new hairdos! Don’t we look great!

Kevin gives Karen a kiss on the cheek.

KEVIN
You ladies look fantastic! How much did this pampering set me back?
(laughs)

KAREN
(to Michelle)
See, now your cousins won’t call you fluffyhead! Don’t you feel much better?

Michelle shrugs.

KEVIN
You look beautiful! Thank your grandmom for taking such good care of you!

MICHELLE
Thank you, grandmom.

LES
(to Michelle)
I think you look stunning.

KAREN
Really, you think so?

LES
She’s young now, but in five or six years she’ll be ravishing!

KAREN
Exactly! Did you hear that, Michelle? Mr. Mo thinks you’re beautiful!
(to Les)
Isn’t it ridiculous that liberals try to say that people who support Trump are prejudiced???

EXT. SUPERMARKET IN VIRGINIA - DAY

Kaylee and Eli walk out of supermarket the and remove their masks.

KAYLEE
Did that help at all?

ELI
Not really. I know the clerk was trying to be helpful, but she didn’t have much information. Not that I really expected her to.

KAYLEE
I guess all we found out is that the one consequence my mom faced for her freak-out was being denied Trump wine.

ELI
Yeah. And here I thought she was strictly a light beer person.
(pauses)
That gives me a thought though.

Eli takes out his smart phone and starts googling.

ELI (CONT’D)
Eric Trump’s winery is only about an hour from here. Do you think they’d go there?

KAYLEE
It’s possible. I mean, if they think they’re on a journey to help the Trump family, they might think that they could have better access there.

ELI
That makes it somewhat logical.

KAYLEE
Ugh. Which means that it’s probably not what they’re up to.

ELI
Not quite MAGAt’s beard.

KAYLEE
No. But it’s really all we have…and they COULD be working on some kind of logic. Maybe.

ELI
Maybe.
(pauses)
I guess we can go there and ask around to see if anyone has seen them.

KAYLEE
It’s as good of a guess as any.

The grocery store clerk walks out of the store, taking her mask off as she is a distance away. She calls back to them.

GROCERY STORE CLERK
Good luck! I hope you find your daughter!

EXT. TRUMP WINERY - DAY

Kaylee and Eli are seated at an outdoor table, with a bottle of wine in front of them. Eli pours wine into their two glasses. A group of field workers who look completely Latin American and who are speaking Spanish walk by. Eli and Kaylee are seated next to a table of well-to-do looking middle-aged women who are cackling and laughing loudly. The ladies are BEVERLY HOWELL, a blonde Betsey DeVos type, but drunk, and DIANE, a louder brunette, a Judge Jeanine Pirro/Box-o-wine type, just as drunk.

KAYLEE
What do you think the chances are that these women behind us will have any information on Michelle and my parents?

ELI
The hostess said that they’ve been here for a couple of hours today and were here all day yesterday, so I guess if anyone would know, they would.

A WINERY MANAGER goes up to the ladies’ table.

MANAGER
How is everything today, Mrs. Howell?

BEVERLY
Everything is just delightful, as usual! Thank you! Oh…we’re running a little low on the New World Red Reserve…if you could be a dear and send one over, we’d appreciate it!

MANAGER
Of course!

DIANE
So are you going to see Alex when he’s back in the States, or is he going to just head back to Eastern Europe after Mar a Lago?

BEVERLY
I told him that he should try to make an appearance at Travis’s event in D.C. and show some support for his son, but he might just want to go straight back to Kazakhstan. I’m not sure what his pool of teenage girls is like over there. I know he desperately wanted the ambassadorship to Slovenia—I think he was hoping to meet a 15-year-old Melania, but I guess a million-dollar donation to the Trump campaign fund only gets you so far!

DIANE
(laughing)
He shouldn’t have been so cheap! If he had chipped in an extra half million he could’ve gotten himself a cabinet position like my first ex-husband!

BEVERLY
He thinks he’s in a good position there to bring back more of those Eastern European “nannies.” Back when Travis was young, some of his “nannies” were so young they didn’t even have their periods yet!

DIANE
(shaking her head)
Men!

BEVERLY
I just hope Ghislane can keep her mouth shut.

DIANE
If she knows what’s good for her she will!

They clink glasses. Eli and Kaylee turn around and stand up to introduce themselves.

KAYLEE
Excuse me, ladies…sorry to bother you…I was just hoping you could help us. Could you tell us if you’ve seen our daughter…she’s traveling with my parents, and we thought they might show up here.

Kaylee shows a few photos from her phone.

BEVERLY
They don’t look familiar to me.

DIANE
I don’t think I’ve ever seen any black kids here.

BEVERLY
(eying Kaylee and Eli)
So…why is it that your parents won’t give you your daughter back? They disapprove?

KAYLEE
Oh, um. It’s not that…they’re taking her on some kind of road trip, but they’re being very reckless with her.

BEVERLY
Well, children are very resilient. I’m sure she’ll be fine. You two should just enjoy the scenery and the wine here…make it a second honeymoon!
(leaning forward with her hands clasped under her chin)
You two look like you would be a hot couple. I’m picturing some…bondage?

Diane shrieks in laughter approvingly.

KAYLEE
Excuse me?

ELI
Ummm…we’re not actually together anymore, so that’s not…

BEVERLY
Oh, really? You two aren’t still together? Interesting.
(to Eli)
You really are a fine-looking creature.

DIANE
Beverly! You’re so bad!!!

BEVERLY
Is it true what they say about black men? You know…physical endowments?

DIANE
(cackling loudly)
There’s no coronavirus going around here—just jungle fever!!!

BEVERLY
Well, my husband and I have an open marriage at this point. I’m up for adventure.
(To Eli)
What do you say? You’re very exotic.

ELI
That’s…um…flattering? Thanks but no thanks, ma’am.

KAYLEE
Um, I think it’s time for us to get going. It was very…interesting…meeting you ladies.

Eli and Kaylee turn around and leave.

DIANE
Beverly, you wouldn’t REALLY have had sex with him, would you?

BEVERLY
Hmmm…I could see myself cottoning up to him. He can plow my fields anytime!

DIANE
I didn’t realize you were so woke!

INT. – BUILDING LOBBY IN PORTLAND - NIGHT

Handsome Trump and his allies, including Bob Mueller, SECRET SERVICE AGENTS, DON JUNIOR, ERIC TRUMP, and IVANKA TRUMP (wearing a tiara), are in a staging area in the lobby of an office building with large windows, preparing for battle in Portland with Antifa. The wall behind them is draped with a giant American flag. Outside the window, there are athletic Antifa members in black and Walking-dead-type zombies swarming around, setting fires and hurling soup and tuna cans. Several zombies and Antifa press their faces against the window, trying to break inside to Handsome Trump’s meeting space.

SECRET SERVICE AGENT
Sir, as your Secret Service agent, I must implore you to sit out this mission. You’re too important to risk your life in this battle. Others can go in and fight Antifa for you.

HANDSOME TRUMP
Nonsense! I would never pass up an opportunity to put my life on the line for my country! I must battle the Antifa hordes myself—otherwise, I couldn’t respect myself! I’d be a sucker and a loser!

SECRET SERVICE AGENT
But sir, it’s just too dangerous!

BOB MUELLER
Mr. President, maybe you should listen to your Secret Service agents.

HANDSOME TRUMP
If my patriotic Proud Boys and militias are rising up and doing their part, then I can’t abandon them. I would never want others do my fighting for me!

SECRET SERVICE AGENT
Very well, sir. I commend your bravery. But if you MUST go out and put your body on the line, no one can ever know for security reasons. This must be kept completely quiet.

HANDSOME TRUMP
Of course! I’ve never done anything in my life for any type of praise or recognition!

DON JUNIOR
Eric and I will proudly fight by your side, father!

ERIC
I have a gun!

HANDSOME TRUMP
Yes my boys, I know how valiant you are! And now the hundreds of thousands of dollars I invested paying villagers to let you two slaughter endangered sheep is finally going to pay off. We’ll all fight Antifa together as a family!

Don Junior and Eric high-five each other.

HANDSOME TRUMP
But be careful! I know you’re armed with high-caliber AR15s, but our enemies are armed with cans of Campbells Soup and Bumble Bee Tuna!

IVANKA
(breathily)
But at least they don’t have any patriotic Goya beans!

HANDSOME TRUMP
That’s right, princess!

BOB MUELLER
Before we go out to battle Antifa, Mr. President, you should know that we’ve discovered that Hillary Clinton has dispatched her minions to strike the children’s Christian camp in Georgia.

HANDSOME TRUMP
I want to be there to save the children! But I must be here to bring law and order to Portland. If only I could be in two places at once! I…can I be in two places at once?

BOB MUELLER
No, sir, I’m afraid not.

HANDSOME TRUMP
Confound it! As Rich Blue-Eyed Jesus as my witness, one day I’ll emancipate this plot from the shackles of the space/time continuum!

BOB MUELLER
But what should we do in the meantime, sir?

HANDSOME TRUMP
Eureka! I’ve got it! We’ll turn Hillary’s hoax against her! Send the CDC to the Christian camp and tell them to test the children for the China virus. Claim that the tests are positive and shut down the camp and send the children home before Hillary and her evil minions get there.

DON JR. AND ERIC
(in unison)
Brilliant, Father!

HANDSOME TRUMP
And now off to fight Antifa!

Handsome Trump turns to Ivanka, standing demurely aside.

HANDSOME TRUMP
Ivanka, before I go into battle, give me a sweet, daughterly kiss to sustain me! Just like you did when you were 12!

Ivanka walks over to Handsome Trump, they embrace and share a long tongue kiss as he grabs her ass.

BOB MUELLER
(to Secret Service Agent)
So…this kind of thing isn’t weird at all in this universe?

SECRET SERVICE AGENT
Nah, if Trump does it, it’s cool.

Handsome Trump and his handsome sons pull down their stormtrooper visors over their faces. With their assault weapons in hand, charge out the door whooping and hollering to fight the Antifa/BLM/zombie invaders.

INT. MOTEL ROOM IN VIRGINIA - NIGHT

Eli is lying down, scrolling through his phone on one of the beds in the standard motel room with two double beds. Nelson is lounging on the other. Kaylee walks out of the bathroom, wearing a long T-shirt, drying her wet hair with a towel.

KAYLEE
I really needed a shower after talking to those society racists at the winery today. They were horrible.

Eli looks her up and down.

KAYLEE
What?

Eli looks her up and down again. Kaylee rolls her eyes and smiles.

ELI
Lookin’ good, KayKay. For old times’ sake?

KAYLEE
The papers are over on the bureau for you to sign.

ELI
There’s no notary here…and that wasn’t a no.

Kaylee laughs and blushes. Eli pats a space on the bed beside him. Kaylee walks over to the bed and climbs on top of him.